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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
MURFREESBORO, KENTUCKY-- Jack In The Box restaurants have put new smiley faces on the industrial eyesores of their corporation. The tallow containment chambers, in the industrial area of town, have been given a face-lift to crown off a thorough renovating of the aging grease refining facility.
The two large spherical chambers that hold the special Jack In The Box lard blend that is used to fry their food, have been painted and decorated to look like their spokesperson "Jack." Other improvements include a new football stadium for their football team, the Carnivores, and a proposed theme park. Many though, are curious about the mysterious greasy product that is refined inside. "The fry mixture itself is a special combination of fats, oils, and other secret substances," said spokesperson Sheila Dyke. "The grease is mixed directly into distilling chambers after being fed in from a series of pipes and ducts. The product is then cooked and allowed to ferment for a precise amount of time, before it's filtered, irradiated, and tested for flavour." Jack In The Box tankers deliver the final product, "Jack-Fry," to restaurants throughout the United States. (Environmental laws have prohibited the franchise from expanding into Canada.) Although deliciously addictive when saturated inside french fries, onion rings, and chicken nuggets, the special mixture can be deadly if consumed in large quantities. A spill in 1998 had Hazmat teams scrambling, after a near meltdown caused by impurities in some of the beef fat. "The fluid cooked through two feet of concrete and turned three tankers crispy golden brown," said a former refinery worker. Although the damage was minimal, many were comparing it to the incident in Russia, when the first McDonald's in Moscow was exposed to high levels of radiation. It was discovered they were using sub-standard microwaves brought in from neighbouring Kamchatka. Jack In The Box has been under pressure to clean up their refining facility, which because of other minor grease leaks, was drawing people towards the plant like rats to a piper. "It's the pheromones in the tallow," said Shirley Uppins, an FDA spokesperson. "They deny it, of course. But how else can you explain the crowds of people that mill around the area and sniffing the air? They're all driven there by the smell." Dyke avoided the accusation and explained that the government had already declared the grounds safe. "The plant improvements show Jack In The Box's dedication to cleaning up the environment and making it safe for everyone, including our own workers," said Dyke. The new happy faces also hide a more sinister aspect of the plant: increased security. "There is more than one restaurant chain that would like to get their hands on our patented Jack-Fry recipe," confirmed Mel Haroldson, security officer. "Before the makeover we caught an insider selling samples of the grease to some Middle-Eastern firm. Perhaps they only wanted it for falafels, who can say? I can't tell you all what we've done here, but just let me say that anyone trying to get a sample now will find themselves out of the frying pan and into the deep fryer...but not literally." The new makeover
has cleaned up a few problems and put smiles on everyone's faces, satisfying
government inspectors and townsfolk alike.
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