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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BOB VILA HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
ATHENS, GREECE--Bob Vila, the celebrity home renovation guru, has taken over the restoration of the Parthenon, Greece's ancient wonder. Bob, with the help of several hundred American contractors (who go by one-syllable first names), plans to restore the 2,500-year-old structure to its original glory.
Bob Vila has been using his home improvement savvy to help others since 1979, when he first appeared on the television series "This Old House," and has helped hundreds of American homeowners restore, rebuild, and renovate their homesteads. "When the Greek government first approached me, I was hesitant," said Bob during an interview. "I was in the middle of helping a Connecticut couple finish building their backyard deck, and they couldn't decide whether to use a natural-look pressure-treated wood on the stairs, or if they should try a Seal-rite™ outdoor quality melamine. I was insisting that they use the melamine for its smoothness and durability, and stay away from the wood so they could keep within their budget." Bob eventually agreed to take on the project when the Greeks showed him the extent of the Parthenon's state of disrepair. "What really swayed me over to take on the 'Acro' was its historical value. You know, you just don't see Doric columns of this quality any more. Often they're done with a medium density fibre-board and then painted for weather-proofing. In cold-winter areas, like the Eastern seaboard, they only last for about five years before they have to be redone. Here, these pillars have lasted for over 250 years I believe. Now, that's something." Bob is treating the Greek Parthenon as a challenge, but a challenge that can be met by using good-old American know-how. "I don't work with stone often, but these hand-chiseled pieces have a nice texture. We'll leave the pillars where they are and work around them. Fortunately the inside of the house has already been gutted, so we have a clean slate there. I'm going to ask my friend Jim the gardener to work on getting something done with the yard here. I was thinking maybe some weeping willows and a fish pond, perhaps one that holds those Japanese choi--giant goldfish, really." Looking around the front, Bob was able to immediately identify some of the more obvious architectural flaws. "Now, the problem with this entrance is that there's no overhang to protect visitors from the rain and weather. Right now it's sunny, but when winter sets in guests will be exposed to wind and snow. This is a pretty exposed location. It's on top of a hill with a wonderful view, we'll want to preserve that. I think we'll change the direction of the roof and extend its overhang over the steps." "Part of the look we're going for is a Cape Cod revival, but with a Southern feel to it. It will be grand. I want to put a couple of dormers sticking out of the top and overlooking the city below. That will break up the line of the roof quite nicely. We'll get to that towards the end of the show." Bob continued: "We'll rebuild the roof using engineered trusses. They're stronger and will span the distance quite easily. This is quite a long span, but Ed tells me it should work out just about right. Our guys will use Vermont cedar for the Acropolis's roofing shingles. We could have gone with a Canadian wood, which I think they're using on the pyramids, but personally, I like the Vermont product better. It feels more consistent, and we'll be buying American. That's important these days." "We'll add eaves troughs for the wet Fall weather and use aluminum for gutters. It'll be tricky working it all into the ancient entablature, and we'll be have to careful about matching up with the frieze and the cornice. But you can't beat aluminum for gutters or downspouts. We'll use a special beige-coloured aluminum to blend in with the columns and the architrave." And continued: "One of the interesting surprises we had with this building was the lack of drain tile. Now this is absolutely essential these days, but when the "acro" was built rain just ran on down the hill. We'll be updating the plumbing and drainage, and so we've already begun digging a trench around the foundation, laid in 6-inch PVC pipe, pierced on one side on a bed of gravel. The rain will run down the downspouts into the pipe and be led out to the sump about 100 feet away." "The biggest challenge will be filling in all the cracks in the stone and the stylobate foundation. We'll start with a concrete patch-kit, and cover it with an all-weather concrete sealant. That should do the trick. And we're thinking of adding skylights. Keeping with the Cape Cod look, I'd recommend at least eight skylights, each with a double-glazed glass." When asked if this was the oldest thing he's worked on, Bob replied: "Well, either this or that old Gothic on Statin Island." When Bob
has completed the Acropolis, he is scheduled to oversee the repainting
of the Eiffel Tower, do a special on lacquering in the Cistine Chapel,
and assist the Canadians in completing their pyramid reshingling project.
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| This fictional story about Bob Vila is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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