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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR WAYNE GRETZKY HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
WAYNEVILLE, Upper Gretzkia--The Great One hopes to live up to His name, now that He's purchased the province that helped make Him famous. Wayne Gretzky, the NHL's all-time leading scorer, has returned to Alberta, changed its name, divided it into two parts, and has declared his sovereignty. The greatest hockey player ever plans to personally govern the northern region of the new independant state of Gretzkia.
Wayne's decision to buy the province of Alberta from the Canadian government came after His announced plans to retire from hockey altogether. After managing the Canadian hockey team to the gold medal at the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City in 2002, Wayne decided to return to the place where His career began, and start a new life for Himself and His chosen people, formerly known as the citizens of Alberta. Most "Gretzkians" have embraced The Great One as their Lord and Leader. They hope that He will be able to lead them again to greatness, as He did during the 1980's with the majestic Edmonton Oilers. Gretzky has appointed His friend and former teammate Mark Messier to rule as leader of the southern portion, Lower Gretzkia. Messier will take control of the divided province when he finally retires from hockey, anticipated to be after the 2008-2009 season. "I'd have governed Lower Gretzkia too," implied Gretzky, "but the Flames are in Calgary. You understand." Some of Gretzky's early promises include a "freeze" on tuitions and taxes, and the dismantling of all Petro-Canada gas stations. But critics are already accusing him of skating around the issues. "Sure, we have oil, a multi-billion dollar heritage fund just sitting around earning interest, and one of the lowest unemployment rates in the country," said Cliff Stockerton, a financial analyst and part-time rancher. "But where's the glory? The Oilers haven't won the [Stanley] Cup since 1990!" Gretzky denied the allegations, and continued to deftly stick-handle around the issues.
The new highway will feature three lanes: a slow lane, a fast lane, and a break-away lane, It will run from New Messier through Edmonton to Wayneville. Wayneville, the capital city, will be covered with a giant dome to protect it from the harsh outside environment, and hockey-themed organ music will be piped throughout the city to keep citizens motivated. To keep the peace, enforcement has been put into the hands of another former Oiler, Dave Semenko. Also planned are puck-sized 99-dollar coins featuring Gretzky's image on one side, and a 99-cent stamp with a picture of Wayne's wife Janet, the new first lady of Gretzkia. "I'm going to be working overtime for my new country," said The Great One, "and I expect every one of my teammates to put in one-hundred and ten percent." The Great
One's first public ceremony will be during the official visit from Marcel
Dionne, the former King of Los Angeles.
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"We've
got to keep both our hands on our stick through these changing times,"
said The Great One, coolly. "We've got to take care of things in
our own end, and be ready to break-out when the time is right. And our
new Highway 99 is just the thing we need."
