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Sexual Health by Ignatious de la Pena y de Ybarra, Senior Inquisitor

Dear Ignatious: My girlfriend used to be more adventurous when we had sex. There was nothing she wouldn't do or try! Now, she's only interested in the boring old missionary position. What can I do to spruce things up? -Frustrated

—Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

I've read your letter three times now, and nowhere do you state how many children you have been blessed with from this union.

Now, assuming that your "girlfriend" is your mistress and not your wife, we can also assume that your conjugal relations are for pleasure and not for procreation, as demanded by God.

Following this assumption, and forgiving (for the moment) your sins in this matter, it needs follow that the woman's motivations for being with you must be for one of three things: material gain, an attempt to win you from your Holy Matrimony, or else an attempt to ensnare your soul through a sophisticated demonological device. All three of these possibilities are injurious and loathsome to God, but the last especially. For to seek material gain is a natural sin, and to woo a partner from another follows naturally from the instinct to procreate, but to capture your soul and lead you to the depths of Hell is a most despicable thing, and one too horrendous to comprehend in its entirety.

My recommendation for you, then, is to set up the following tests to determine at what level of sin you "girlfriend" has sunk to, and thereby determine if she can be saved or if more drastic measures are required.

First, stop all gifts and payments to her. No longer pay for her costly garments or fine jewellery. Do not stoop to paying her cell phone bill again. This will test if she is only with you for material gain.

If she fails this test and cuts off the relationship then truly she has passed and you can rejoice that her soul will not be damned for all time, as long as she repents, confesses and promises to begin her life anew.

If, however, she protests that she cares not for money, but wants to be with you to the end of time, etcetera, etcetera, then tell her you will not leave your lawfully wedded wife, to whom you have been enjoined in Holy Matrimony, unsunderable, until death do you part.

This second test will determine how far the Devil has ensnared her immortal soul. If she sees that your heart is True and that you will not leave your wife, when may realize her cause is hopeless and with many tears and loud cries leave you. If she does this, rejoice! She has seen the error of her folly and with proper instruction she will achieve Paradise.

If, however, she continues to stand by you, saying that she loves you still, or that she can not live without you, etcetera, etcetera, you know that she is a witch and fully ensconced in the hands of the Devil. For only a person whose soul has truly fallen to the depths of depravity would continue to rest with the deadbeat that you have proved yourself to be. The only motivation for her must be the capture of your soul for her Master, the Devil.

I hope for your sake, as well as her soul's, that this is not the case. Only the most drastic measures can now be taken to save her--and you!

If this is unhappily the case, I suggest that you come to the Inquisition with the name of your witch, along with the names of everyone in her extended family. It is possible she was trained in this dastardly art from an early age, and the rehabilitation is best left in the hands of professionals such as myself. We'll also need to have a full and frank discussion with you about your beliefs, just to make sure the poison has not spread.

I will be at Swallow's Donuts on Merrill Avenue in Pakenham, Ontario next week from 10am until 2pm, Wednesday through Saturday. I invite everyone to drop by with questions about witchcraft or heresies, or just to say hi. As a bonus, I'll treat the first 5 people who can successfully answer a skill-testing question about the errors of Meister Eckhart to a coffee and donut of their choice.

The Inquisitor's Archive