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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
VOLLEYBALL BEACH-- Greg Ramone paid no attention to the warning signs the day he went down to Volleyball Beach. Greg, a hormone-charged youth, was at the beach staring at beautiful bikini-clad women and ended up sunburning his tongue.
He's not the first. Hundreds of young men like Greg will get tongueburns this year. "The signs are posted everywhere, including the picnic area," said beach superintendent Roger Sands. "If people choose to ignore the warnings and leave their tongues exposed, wagging them about like wild corgis, they risk permanent damage to their taste buds." The sun's rays are merciless on those (like Greg) who choose not to protect themselves or their fleshy mouth organs. "Tongue-screen is sold at all of the concession stands," said Roger. "There's no excuse for not taking precautions." Volleyball Beach is well-known as the place to "scope out" local beauties, and admittedly the young men who come down to drool at the girls are not thinking about protection. "It's much too hard to expect these guys to keep their mouths shut," added Roger. "It's the only place around with good sand, and so beautiful women that come here to sunbathe. Even the most politically correct men will find their jaws dropping. I've even caught my own tongue starting to uncurl at the sight of the occasional curved bosom." Dr. Tse Ling-Phan, an epidemiologist and expert on tongueburns, is concerned about the rise of melanoma of the tongue, a bizarre form of skin cancer. "The skin on the tongue is much more sensitive than the rest of the body. It doesn't take much exposure for it to become damaged," said Dr. Phan. "Fortunately, there are many good products out there now that, if applied liberally over the entire surface of the tongue, will protect it from harmful UV rays. And they're flavoured!" Tongueburns are painful, but the psychological side effects of a tongueburn are just as ominous. "I've seen these guys with tongueburns trying to talk to the women they've been ogling," said Roger. "Their tongues can't form any words properly, and they end up 'thounding' like morons." The number of male tongueburn victims doesn't impress the women on the beach. "Men are basically dogs," said one woman. "They gawk, they stare, and they get burned." Dr. Phan has advice for those who inadvertently get a tongueburn. "Many people try and soothe the discomfort with an ice cream or popsicle," he said. "An ice cream cone may temporarily ease the distress, but a popsicle can be dangerous. If that thing sticks, you're going to be in some serious pain." Dr. Phan
recommends that victims should avoid deep-mouthing kissing and performing
oral sex.
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