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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BUSINESS HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
THE IT DEPARTMENT-- Sherman Edwards may have gained a new lease on life thanks to an innocent Excel spreadsheet. Sherman, a product systems analyst, owes his thanks to Microsoft and his employer Tech Republic for the epiphany.
Originally designed for risk management, the sheet, aptly titled “Risk Management,” gives Information Technology (IT) managers a way to assess the risks involved with the failures of a business project, as well as an opportunity to work out mitigating factors and contingency plans for said project. Sherman, who spends 70 hours a week at his dull and life-draining job, thought about changing some of the parameters of his data fields. “I was inputting relevant data for all the projects I’m involved in,” said Sherman, “when it suddenly occurred to me that it didn’t just have to be about work. Life has the same parameters, doesn't it?" “Of course, I don’t have a life--except at work,” laughed Sherman, “but there are a few things I thought I could put in. Like what about my car breaking down?” Sherman continued to manipulate the figures in his spreadsheet, which was fun at first, but then took a serious turn. “I typed in 'Death' almost as a joke,” continued Sherman. “When I got to the 'Prob' field, for probability, I had to put in 100%. Let’s face it, [death] is inevitable. For the 'Impact' field I had to put in the highest rating of how bad death would be. That’s a good solid '10'.” “The spreadsheet then calculated an 'Exp' number. I think that means exposure. Typically for a work-related project you’d use that number to prioritize plans to cover your ass when everything goes bad. But for 'Death' that ain’t gonna help, is it?” “Death gets a good solid '10' Exp rating. That’s as high as it gets, my friends, and that means I should be paying more attention to it,” said Sherman. Sherman then filled in the other fields: Effect, Mitigation, Trigger Event, and Contingency. “Effect was pretty obvious,” said a somber Sherman. “I would no longer exist. But as I was looking at the other fields I realized I had never really examined my life before. Like, what were my long-term plans? What are the actual risks of living? What is a full and proper life?” “For 'Mitigation' I put in a few thoughts on what I could do to lessen the impact of dying,” continued Sherman. “I put in 'Procreate; eat healthier, exercise, and quit smoking.' Those things can prolong life, or in the case of procreation, give some sense of continuity. Not that it’ll help me if I'm dead.” Sherman, who smokes half a pack a day is trying to cut down, but finding it difficult. He's also decided to eat a salad every other week and is considering hauling his bicycle out of storage. “The 'Trigger Event' could be anything," continued Sherman. "It really makes you stop and think, doesn’t it? I've all but stopped jaywalking. For 'Contingency' I put in a few thoughts on how to deal with death’s inevitability. I put in 'Find God; Live each moment as if it were the last.' ” “You
know,” said Sherman, “that’s just what I’m going to
do.”
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