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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
In my seven-year term as the undisputed World Champion of Evil (that was from 1971-1978), I've had the opportunity to examine many different lairs that Doers-of-Evil can lurk inside, waiting for the right moment to strike. Now that I've retired I can share some of my wisdom with you, the up-and-coming Legionnaire of Doom. The first rule of your iron thumb is not to move if you don't have to. Equipment, weapons and expendable minions have a way of accumulating over time, and moving just for the sake of moving is disruptive, expensive, and calls undue attention upon yourself. Some villains can make it work for them. El Rapidos, for example, made it one of his cardinal tenets to move his base every other year. It worked for him because his strength was lightening-fast strikes, followed by regrettably equally fast retreats. His weapons, technology and equipment were all light-weight and could be carried by a running man. Emulsion Man, in contrast, had made a heavy investment in enormous toxic slime-producing equipment--which occupied close to a square mile of warehouse space near the Metropolis docks. For reasons no one has been able to fathom, perhaps he got a better lease elsewhere, he decided to move his base to an abandoned factory on the seedy side of town. Unfortunately for him The Optic Nerve spotted him moving a particularly cumbersome Neural Positronic Sludge Compressor and set up an ambush. The battle raged for hours, but encumbered by his machinery, and unwilling to abandon years of work, Emulsion Man was pinned down and eventually lost to the world of evil. Let this be a lesson to you! Secrecy is of the utmost importance. Elaborate measures must be taken to ensure that your hide-out--wherever it may be--can be found only by yourself and your loyal helpers. Set up false walls, secret entrances and exits--make sure at least one involves a fireman's pole-- and disguise the whole operation as something beyond suspicion, like a tycoon's mansion or a candy factory. Secrecy, in my opinion, is much more important than actual defenses. If your hide-out is ever discovered, those pesky doers-of-good will stop at nothing to harrass you and try to drive you out. How much simpler it is not to be seen in the first place! Of course, some defenses are in order. Because your attackers will undoubtedly be well-armed and expecting trouble, go the extra mile and create elaborate trap doors, crushing walls, and thousands of marble-sized grenades. The more complex the better. In the eventualilty that the worst happens, it doesn't hurt to have several minions whose sole job is to distract your attacking "super heros" with their lives while you slip away unnoticed. A good base
will serve as an excellent home for you and your operations, provide a
research laboratory, and keep you safe from the doers-of-good. Choose
it well.
Captain Electro's Evil Archive
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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A
Step By Step Guide With Former Evil Genius Captain Electro
