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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BEER HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
LOCAL PUB--Albert Shaw has never been a big believer in the paranormal. But since he lost his job and started drinking more, Albert thinks that beer is giving him visions, and perhaps a link with a supernatural force.
"I never listened to any of that cosmic bunk before," said Albert from his chair at Rosy's Pub. "I would laugh at most of the psychic crap I saw on television: Miss Cleo, John Edwards, Friends. However, I used to be a huge Bill Bixby fan." "But, it was when I lost my job painting parking spaces--apparently I was painting them criss-cross," continued Albert, "and began to drink heavily that I started to notice these distorted perceptions, subtle at first, visions perhaps of the future, like ESP. The more I began to drink, beer mostly, the more I could 'see'." Albert hasn't yet been able to interpret the messages he's been receiving during his barley-based episodes. It may be that his senses aren't completely "tuned in" to the "other side." Albert is also having some difficulty remembering the visions the following day, complaining of psychic headaches as a result. "I can't really say what they mean yet," said Albert. "I get close to comprehending a message, but then the vision alters, and it feels like that gateway to another plain is shifting--like a room spinning. I think I may have envisioned the Sports Illustrated models alone with me on a desert island, but it's still very clouded." Albert has noticed that some of his own memories have faded since he started drinking heavily, probably due to the emergence of his psychic gift. He also claims that the mental energy he is expending to comprehend the messages is making him lethargic, sometimes preventing him from getting out of bed until noon. "I realize that there may be some sacrifices," said Albert. "But weren't these same obstacles faced by Confucius, Nostradamus, and Jane Dixon?" Albert's friend Lou has been transcribing some of his psychic episodes. During the beer-induced visions, Albert tries to describe the fuzzy predictions and skewed images, all the while drinking more beer to enhance them. "Most of what Albert is saying is slurred--like he's channeling--and the more he drinks the more he slurs," said Lou. "It's likely that he hasn't yet gained the voice to translate these transcendental messages properly. I did notice that the visions are also making him emotionally vulnerable--Albert mentioned that he 'loved me' and that I was 'his best friend in the whole fricking world' during our last session. These psychic communications are still too strong for him." Despite the difficulties, Albert is continuing to take the visions seriously, and he is putting his career and life on hold while he focuses on the phenomenon of beer-induced psychic hallucinations. "I must
be diligent in my quest for understanding," stated Albert. "If
it takes one case of beer, or ten cases, I will find the answers
I seek!"
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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