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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn will be moving in a grouping on the same side of the sun until July when they part on their seperate ways. This sort of thing only happens once a century. The skeptics, of course, are doing their best to dissuade the public from believing that this event means anything. People like Astral Bright, a professional astrologist, know better. "These unbelievers look for things like mass instant spiritual enlightenment and stock market crashes," she said in a recent interview. "While those may occur, the real effects are much more subtle." "These alignments only happen every hundred years or so. A hundred years ago there was no air travel, telephones were rare, and television did not even exist. Can anyone say that we have not progressed since then? To go back to a world without Oprah seems inconceivable now. Just imagine what the next hundred years can bring--and it all starts here, with this alignment." Astral Bright believes the planetary alignment adjusts the human consciousness and prepares it for newer and better things. "It's a long-term process," she said. "Every century the alignment re-aligns the neural pathways in our brains allowing us to think in new--and better--ways. Every time we get closer to perfection. A thousand years ago we were still in the Middle Ages. They didn't even have cars back then, and only a few people could read. Now look at us. We can almost reach the stars!" Astral Bright advises people to think long-term for decisions that have to be made in the next few months. "Think about what your decisions will mean in twenty years, fifty years, or even a hundred years," she said. "The stars and planets will assist you in making the right choices." "I'm
really excited at what this new century will bring," said Astral
Bright. "I'm expecting great things."
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