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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR NASA HUMOUR, MARS PARODY, AND MARTIAN SATIRE
CAPE CANAVAREL-- The first two Mars exploration missions failed to achieve their goal of unlocking the secrets of Mars, but a third planned mission to the red planet will succeed if the new director of the NASA Mars Express program has his way.
Fron'n Fronzz'h, a foreign expert on Mars (purportedly from some obscure eastern European nation of Estontvia), is heading the latest Martian expedition, which involves the launching of a surface exploration lander module to explore the mysteries of Mars. The mission will launch sometime in the next two years. The appointment of Fron'n is surprising, considering his close involvement with the perceived failures of the first two interplanetary missions. "Fron'n does seem like a strange choice," said Sylvia Forrester, administrative director. "I can only assume that the higher-ups thought his previous Mars mission experience was invaluable. I guess they're also trying to play to the international community by having a foreigner take charge of this project." Fron'n, who speaks broken English with an almost metallic pitch, and has a curiously outworld appearance, was chosen because of his impressive galactic knowledge. "I'm sure he'll do a great job," said Jim McCullogh, Senior Trajectory Programmer. "I have worked with Fron'n on several projects, and there's nothing about Mars he doesn't seem to know about--it's almost uncanny. When the Mars Pathfinder (1997) was transmitting, Fron'n was able to anticipate what the data--even before we knew what it was or what it meant!" Jim is supportive of Fron'n, whom he said keeps mostly to himself, preferring to spend his time scouring through NASA archives, downloading classified mission specs, and studying U.S. military documents. He hardly spends any time with other humans. "I just know we can count on Fron'n to be there when the Martian probe trajectories need to be adjusted--or recalculated at the last second," Jim said. "In fact, Fron'n was adjusting and massaging the controls of both of the last two probes just before they went silent. It's too bad really--it almost looked as if he planned it that way. But after several years of development you don't just throw that kind of effort away." Fron'n Fronnzz'h came to NASA at a fortunate time, just around the time that Mariner 9, the first Mars orbiter, was transmitting its first images of Mars. At first, Fron'n acted like a stranger in a strange land, but he quickly assimilated into the American space community. "Fron'n was working on the Pathfinder mission practically from the beginning," said Burt Carver, associate director. "He was a little green at first, but he was so enthusiastic! He made sure he got the data before anyone else--so that he could translate the important data. Once he was through filtering out the apparently redundant information, he reported the findings to the rest of us. Fron'n had keen insight. I doubt you could find anyone more knowledgeable about Mars than Fron'n, unless perhaps that person was from Mars." Fron'n was
not available for comment, preferring to stay locked in his "chrysalis,"
which is presumed to be Estontvian for "apartment."
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