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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR TED NUGENT HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN--Rock star Ted Nugent, the wild-maned Motor City Madman, has traded in his guitar for a rifle, and launched a philanthropic venture that he hopes will ease world hunger.
Nugent, long a proponent of gun-owners' rights and self-reliance, has created "Let's Arm the Children," an international organization that will put guns in the hands of orphans of war-torn and famine-ravaged sub-Saharan African nations. The children will then be instructed in the proper use of firearms for hunting. "Let me make this clear," Nugent said from his suburban Detroit compound. "This program will teach these kids to hunt their own food, not to fight for the local warlord." Nugent, who feeds himself and his family "completely off the land," wants to ship several hundred Remington Model 30 rifles to Ethiopia, Nigeria and the Sudan, where years of famine and civil war have left thousands of children orphaned. "Give a kid a sack of rice and you feed him for a day," Nugent said. "Teach a kid to shoot a gun and he can take what he needs for life." Some relief experts question the wisdom of sending firearms to countries where rival tribes have already been slaughtering each other for decades. "These people need a hand, not a handgun," said Libby Walsh, spokesperson for Bread For The Hungry, a UN-chartered relief agency. "They'd be much better off learning irrigation and better farming techniques." Dressed only in a loincloth and combat boots, Nugent shook his head in disgust at his critics. "That's just what you'd expect a representative of the New World Order to say," he howled. "Tell that chick to move her vegan-loving ass out of the way, 'cause when me and my boys get to Zanzibar there's gonna be hell to pay!" Swords Into Ploughshares spokesperson Will Van Damme also found fault with Nugent's plan to ship arms to African children. "A Remington Model 30 is fine for North American deer hunting," Van Damme said. "But these children will be up against African gazelles, waterbucks, and zebras. They'll need more stopping power if they expect to bring down a wildebeest." Nugent disagreed. "I can kill a bear with just a bow and arrow," he said. "Those weak-kneed liberals don't know jack about bores and cartridge loads." Previous attempts to help victims of war learn self-sufficiency have not been totally successful said U.N. Commissioner for Franchising Urfa Isbay. "The Mary Kay fiasco in Eritrea is still fresh in our minds," said Ms. Isbay, referring to an ill-fated effort to help widows earn a living through cosmetics. "That, on top of the problem with warlords hoarding the Herbalife products in East Timor has made many corporations shy away from what should be excellent franchise opportunities." With those programs, refugees could have earned as much as $5,000 per month working out of their homes full-time or $3,000 part-time, although very few of the refugees had homes. It's Nugent's hope that Let's Arm the Children will eventually have enough funds to supply orphans with artillery and landmines. "Imagine
what would happen if they could just chase a herd of meat into a mine
field without having to waste precious ammo," he said. "They'd
have enough hamburger to have a helluva luau or whatever it is they do
in Africa."
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