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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CARNIVOROUS HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
STANLEY PARK, BRITISH COLUMBIA--Vancouver is one of the world's most scenic cities, and one of its landmarks, Stanley Park, is one of the most beautiful places to visit. Stanley park is also regarded as one of the world's safest parks, except for the many carnivorous trees that are planted throughout.
The park contains nine species of trees that devour flesh. The park originally planted the carnivorous (man-eating) trees in the early 1920's, when the park was overrun with Canadian geese and rabid squirrels. The trees were an ideal solution for reducing those populations, and helped restore the pristine beauty of the park. Over the years, the trees have grown majestically, but at the same time they've become more predatory. Although rooted in place, the trees are able to snag unsuspecting victims--stray dogs, vagrants, and elderly tourists mostly--helping them maintain their strength and healthy root systems. There are many varieties of carnivorous trees throughout the park, the most prominent being the Hungry Hemlocks, which are closest to the pathways. Signs are posted throughout the park warning visitors of their dangers. Other trees include the Blood Redwood, the Devil's Fir, the Wicked Willow, the Chomping Cedar, and the Man-eating Maple. Elias Matheson, the head groundskeeper for Stanley Park, has been tending the trees since 1948. "When I was a boy, these meat-eating trees were just saplings," said Elias. "I remember once in 1962, when one of the willows snapped up a border collie who was chasing after a frisbee. The poor pup leaped up to grab the disc in its mouth, and then at the same time, the wicked willow reached out its branches like an octopus' tentacles, and snapped up the dog as a Sunday snack." "The Wicked Willow has mechanisms much like the sea anemone," said Dr. Phileas Bernstein, an arborist who has studied carnivorous trees for eighteen years. "Like the poor fish who swims too close looking for food, the clumsy dog or the surprised jogger is drawn in, thus nourishing the tree." Some of the trees are more passive, and use other mechanisms to feed. The Man-eating Maple uses a toxin in its leaves to paralyze its victim. The victim slowly decays, and the maple absorbs the nutrients in its roots. The Devil's Fir has a special "sticky bark" that traps birds, squirrels, and love-struck teenagers trying to carve initials into its bark. One of the most dangerous is the Killer Crabapple tree, whose fruit is sweet--not poisonous--and is so tempting that many find it hard to resist. Once the crabapple tree's prey is within range of its forbidden fruit, its branches drop on its prey like a canopy, trapping the victim within. The trees are fascinating to study, and beautiful to view, but many question the logic of having these deadly trees inside the park. "If nature hadn't intended for trees to be bloodthirsty killing machines, then God would have invented the axe," said Raoul Mendez, an environmentalist and frequent visitor to Stanley Park. "These trees have a right to exist, and those saps that are dumb enough to get caught in their limbs deserve their fate." Elias admits that tending to the care of the killer trees can be risky. "Raking leaves in the Fall is a tricky chore, for sure," admitted Elias. "Fortunately, there's plenty of college kids willing to take on the job. They're young and quick, and we only lose one or two every season. It's the pruning that's the dangerous work." Elias encourages
people to visit Stanley Park, and see the trees. He recommends that dog-owners
keep their pets on a tight leash, and suggests that they avoid "watering"
the tree trunks.
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| This fictional story about carnivorous trees is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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