Hex Cause Of Boyfriend Loss

Dear Ignatious: I am an intelligent, single straight girl, and I have a good figure, but all the guys I've been with lately have dumped me after sex. My ex-boyfriend said I was too intimidating in bed. What should I do?

—Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

I am afraid to be the one to break this to you, but undoubtedly a witch has cast a hex on you, preventing you from having normal relations and souring your attempts at conjugal bliss. Your efforts should now be centred on determining the identity of this foul creature, proving her (or possibly his) liaison with the Devil and bringing the sorcerer to justice.

Who can reckon the number of infirmities which witches have inflicted upon men and women, such as blindness, the sharpest pains, and contortions of the body? It is obvious that even now someone who has entered into a pact with the Devil is even now causing pustulent tumours to grow in your body, which through an imbalanced release of black and yellow bile is upsetting the natural humours that are normally activated during the sexual act. You must act quickly to determine the identity of this malefactor!

Keep a keen eye on those people in your life who show an unnatural interest in your marital prospects, or who examine you closely, or who have warts or unsightly blemishes on their hands and wrists. These are all tell-tale signs of one who is marked by Satan to do his work. If you have had sharp words with anyone make note of their reactions to your words: whether they lash back at you with a phrase like "you shall have no more healthy days" or some other phrase of ill-omen; or if they turn away muttering to themselves.

Once you have made a short list of the possible perpetrators of this heinous act against your immortal soul, a veritable test of your faith, the next step is to accuse the most obvious contender face-to-face and carefully observe her reactions.

When, as so often happens, the accused denies everything, you have three points to consider. What is her reputation, the evidence at hand of her malfeasance, and the word of other witnesses besides your own suspicions. Often witches are accused of different deeds committed in some village or town, but if all the evidence of the facts are visible to the eye, such as that a child has been harmed by sorcery, or a beast has been bewitched or deprived of its milk, then if a number of witnesses have come forward with discrepancies in their stories, such as one saying she bewitched her child, another his cow, and a third should merely witness to her reputation, etcetera, but nevertheless all agree in the substance of the fact, that is, as to the witchcraft, and that she is believed to be a witch then you have a compelling case, and one worth further involvement of the inquisition.

You should also take note of whether your suspect is able to shed tears over your accusation. I have been taught both by the words of worthy men of old and by my own experience that this is a most certain sign, and it has been found that even if she be urged and exhorted by solemn conjurations to shed tears, if she be a witch she will not be able to weep. Sometimes under torture she will assume a tearful aspect and smear her cheeks and eyes with spittle to make it appear that she is weeping, and thus appear to be repentant of her evil acts and wanting of pity, but this is a trick. Keep a close eye to prevent this sort of outrage from occurring.

Once you have shortened your suspects to two or three people, bring them to the inquisition and we will search their homes and help determine whether they are in league with the Devil.

It is also clearly important that we have a discussion with you as well, to determine the whether this sorcery has affected only your senses, or if, perhaps, it has corrupted your righteousness as well. Please bring a list of all your recent contacts in case the contagion has spread. Together we will stop these evil machinations of the devil.

I will be at Marvelous Muffins and Coffee on Millar Avenue in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan next week from 10am until 2pm, Tuesday through Friday. I invite everyone to drop by with questions about witchcraft, or just to say hi. I'll treat the first 6 people who can successfully name six heresies successfully refuted to a coffee and muffin of their choice.

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