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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR REAL ESTATE HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
MOBILE, ALABAMA--Chucky Winters is on a roll. The ambitious young man from Kansas City has been wheeling and dealing in what he terms "a secondary housing market" in an attempt to become the next great real estate tycoon. Chucky specializes in leasing buildings other real estate agents prefer not to touch. Old abandoned derelicts, crumbling walls and ceilings, buildings without heat or water--these are all "under-utilized" in the market, and they are all Chucky's to deliver.
"There are truly some amazing deals out there right now," said Chucky, who packs his own lunches and wears off-the-rack suits. "Right now I have some splendid properties in the inner city--they're almost heritage, just wait a few years--as well as a few buildings where Hurricane Bill hit last year. The market is right, and the time is now. You'll have to act quickly to get in on these deals!" Owners of crumbling edifices are happy not to have to tear down decrepit or unsafe housing and office space. Chucky says that engineers and inspectors use the word "condemned" too loosely. "The city was ragging me about the old Firetrap Building we had on Industrial Avenue," said Bob Peters, owner of several "low-maintenance" buildings. "They said it wasn't up to code, it wasn't safe, blah, blah, blah. You know how they can get. Chucky came to me with this plan to lease the building out as 'D' grade office space. I didn't know there was such a thing, but he assured me it would be rented out in no time. I thought I'd give it a try. It's cheaper than the wrecking ball." Chucky also convinced Tim Hilston, owner of the once glamorous 'Astoria' residence on Beach Street to give the "Discount Rental Market" a try. "I inherited the Astoria from my uncle a few years ago, and it was a piece of junk even then," said Tim. "The wiring was from 1912, and the plumbing stopped working in 1983. It was this huge albatross in my investment portfolio. I was about ready to let it go when Chucky convinced me to give 'Economically Sound Rentals' a go. I had nothing to lose, and so far it hasn't been too bad. Unfortunately, I have to use Guido to collect the rent, and many of the renters prefer to use the barter system. Right now I have about 30 kilos of heroin I have to unload." Chucky developed his expertise in rent-challenged buildings while attending the Hoffstander School of Real Estate in Minneapolis. "I was feeling depressed because all the good, juicy real estate was all snapped up by people with 'experience', or who had 'talent', or some other nonsense," said Chucky. "I happened to be driving my Acadian through the old warehouse district, feeling sorry for myself, when I realized I was passing through miles and miles of empty buildings--all abandoned because of that huge chemical spill a few years ago. Well, you know what they say--buy low, sell high. I realized that no one would touch these buildings--it wasn't 'good enough' for them--which meant they were all mine! That's how I got started." Chucky honed his skills through television-advertised real estate seminars and several cassette-based programs. "They didn't have them at the library for some reason," said Chucky, "but I think they really were worth the $129 (plus tax). I made that back bartering stereo equipment and used DVDs in the first month." The way to fame and glory hasn't been easy. One deal collapsed--literally. The building fell in on itself before the deal could be inked. "That was embarrassing," said Chucky. Some of Chucky's
other listings include a tree fort on an old lot, a houseboat that's half-sunk
in the mud, a cabin that's been taken over by bears, and a quaint bungalow
that overlooks the city landfill.
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