 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CHRISTOPHER WALKEN HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
MARYSVILLE, CALIFORNIA--Almost by accident, it appears Christopher Walken has grown to become the spiritual leader of thousands of Americans. Surrounding him is a new religion called Walkenology, a theology based on sound psychological principles and hip anti-hero doctrines.
Walken, the veteran actor, has been steadily gaining fame and appreciation for his consistent portrayals of quirky, yet charismatic underworld-style characters. His unassuming influence on newer generations of movie-goers was probably a catalyst in the creation of Walkenology, and Walken's one-of-a-kind stature has vaulted him to a nigh-reverant status that some compare to L. Ron Hubbard, the creator of Scientology. Based out of Marysville, a sleepy town north of Sacramento, the first Church of Walkenology was established by Robert Romano, a former mail courier whose most notable achievement--before founding the new religion--was painting the front steps of his parents' house. Using donations he received through an online website, Romano has built a multi-million dollar facility dedicated to the teachings of Christopher Walken. Romano explained how he got the revelation. "I had a brainstorm while watching The Dead Zone," said Romano. "When Walken's character, Johnny Smith, was hunched-over having nightmarish visions, it seemed to me He was telling me something. I leaned close to the television set and I distinctly heard--quite apart from the humming noise of the TV--Him telling me to spread The Word. I wasn't sure what word he meant, but I didn't take any chances and decided to use all of them. By the way, the cane He used in that movie is already an artifact in our rectory."
Inveterate Walken watchers have flocked to the new philosophy just because it is ineffably cool to do so. "This is way cooler than that [Andy] Kaufman club I was in before," said Stewart Binks a recently converted "Walkenologist." Throughout the complex, which is only seven miles away from Kevin Spacey's Cosmic Cult Compound, Walken's movies play twenty-four hours a day, and recordings of His voice have been forged into sermons that emphasize the values of Walkenology. Romano has tried to compile a list of Tenets of Faith for the followers, but mostly it's just about being "menacingly cool." "That's the beauty of it," said Romano. "There are no hidden messages. No secret texts. The Truth is right there--as much as it might seem like an uncomfortable hunk of metal in your ass--just waiting for you to believe." Christopher
Walken--in true Walken fashion--has denied any association with the religion.
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
|
|||||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
The
learning facility has already attracted hundreds of worshippers, most
wishing to learn more about Walken's self-caricaturizations, and his cooler-than-thou
attitudes. Courses are being studied on Walken's outré style, and
a belief system is being developed that will help people understand the
bizarre ultra-hip behaviors of their living leader. Students and disciples
are encouraged to emulate Walken, but are dissuaded from doing impersonations
for fear of falling short of His ideals.
