 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BINGO HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
BINGO PARLOUR-- Bingo for many is a revered activity, and the bingo hall is a sanctuary for its players. But for Umberto Lassogini, the bingo hall is a meadow filled with beautfiul daisies waiting to be plucked.
Umberto is a 68-year-old Bingo player from Naples, Italy, and he plays the game with great passion. Umberto comes to the Bingo hall frequently, hoping he will get lucky. "I am very charming with the ladies," said Umberto. "Oh how I love to fill their cards with my ink." Many of the ladies are enthralled with Umberto, and some come to Bingo just to see him or to hear him croon. In between Bingo games, Umberto will sometimes sing a love song over the public address speaker, and dedicate it to the woman who has won the most money. "That Umberto, what a lover," said Ethel Weisburger, 81. "He can call my number anytime." "Ethel, she is a woman who has strength, and the lungs of a strong desert beast," said Umberto. "When she cries out 'Bingo', it is like an angel directing traffic." Umberto is retired, and his income source is unknown. It is rumoured that he spent the entire savings of his five ex-wives. Others believe he is from a rich Italian family, and has vast wealth in his homeland. Beverly Chowne questions Umberto's motives. She suspects that he is just trying to take advantage of the many widows, and she claims that he targets the winners. "[Umberto] will approach a woman who has just won a Blackout Bingo for $150. He will come up behind her and rub her shoulders, or massage her dabbing wrist. The vulnerable woman asks him to sit down, and always offer to buy him a coffee or a hotdog from the snack shop. He is such a creep." Umberto dismisses Beverly's charges. "That woman could not win at Bingo if she started with three free spaces. I think she is just jealous of me, and my passion...for Bingo." To the contrary, Umberto tries to soothe the tensions of the female Bingo players. "These women--their hands are like inkstained rose
petals, and their jolly underarm fat reminds me of gently rolling waves.
So very sensual...I love them all. If they choose to reward me for my
passion, I am not one to stand in the way of a woman's honour." "Sure,
Umberto breaks a lot of hearts, but he keeps the ladies coming back. I
swear, if it wasn't for Umberto, they'd only come here for the carry-over
jackpots."
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
|
|||||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
