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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BUILDING MANAGEMENT HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
BOILER ROOM-- George Filbert, the building manager, doesn't like punks. He doesn't like them one bit.
George has been managing the Fraserview Apartments for twenty-odd years now, and he doesn't care for anyone under 40. "I've been doing this longer than a cat has whiskers," said George, pointing his finger menacingly. "I know a slack-ass when I see one, and I'm seeing a lot of them around this building." George, 68, is suspicious by nature, and very protective of his apartment building. He doesn't want to see it fall into the hands of irresponsible youths--specifically anyone born after 1959. "As soon as one of those freak-out hippies with the funny goatees or chunks of metal buried in their face move in I let them know that I'm watching,"said George. "Hell, they can even look 'normal', but I can see through that. I've spoken to the owner a number of times, but he continues to rent to people I know will only cause problems." Previous renters concur that George is not afraid to get in the face of someone who rubs him the wrong way. Keith Shackles, a high school counselor and former tenant had more than one run-in with George. "I tried to recover my damage deposit after I moved out," said Keith, 31. "But [George] wouldn't give it back; he said I took the ice cube trays out of the freezer. I didn't even have a freezer. And I don't think George's elevator goes to the top floor. He should get that thing fixed. " "That George was like some super-Nazi," said Evan Charles, a 28-year-old city youth worker. "If there was the slightest noise after 11:00pm, like say closing the balcony door, he was at your door faster than a kid on a candy bar." "He'd say stuff like 'Your rental agreement don't allow for no noise after Eleven' and he'd wield his floor mop like a pitchfork," said Evan. "I had to get out. He was worse than my parents." Some tenants have chosen to remain, despite George's boot-camp tactics. Paul Lindsey of Unit 202 shrugs his shoulders when asked about George, remembering the time that George had the police raid his apartment for suspected marijuana trafficking. "It was aromatic cedar to keep moths out of my sweaters," said Paul. "Somehow George thought it was pot and was on it in an instant. After the cops left he insisted on going through all the ashtrays. My wife Linda got a little tense about it--I mean he was acting like a crazy old fart. It was an accident that she hit him with that poker." "I'll catch that punk someday," said George with narrowed eyes. "I know he's selling that stuff and he knows I know. One day he'll make a mistake and, bang, that's it, he'll be out of here faster than a rat with its tail cut off." Not everyone disagrees with George's tactics. Samuel Potter, 62, admires George for his disciplinary attitude toward managing the building. "George runs this building like a military camp," said Samuel, a retired Veteran who lives in Unit 106, a one-bedroom apartment. "I saw him make a woman march her shopping cart right on back to the supermarket because he wasn't going to let it be parked in the lobby. You have to admire someone like that. I always address him as 'sir'." You can be
sure that George will have your license-plate written down if you visit
the Fraserview Apartments, so just try and keep your nose clean when you're
around.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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