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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Biometrics is a useful and fun way to protect your room and create some exciting new technologies at the same time. Using the clues from the body that are as individual as you are, sensing devices can sidestep traditional problems of cracked passwords, stolen swipe cards or lost keys. What you'll need: .Let's start by disassembling the CD player and removing the laser. Because you'll be pointing this thing directly in your eyeball, you'll want to make sure it's safe. Mount the laser in a small box or used food tin--tuna tins work great--and cover the opening with some coloured plastic gel, like that used to wrap flowers or chocolates. If you get the red stuff your device will look more mean, as if you are the bad guy. Green or blue will make you look like a good guy. Choose to suit your taste. Cut a hole in the wall next to your door and place your container, facing outwards, at about eye level. Next, attach the device to your computer. You may want to have a machine dedicated to the device. I used dad's old 486 running an early version of Linux Red Hat. That way my main machine is kept entirely free. You'll probably need to write some support software for the scanner for fuzzy pattern matching or the like. Here's a security hint: keep the computer inside your locked room. Finally, attach the computer to servo-mechanisms that will open the deadbolts to the door when the software finds a match between the scanned image and your database of "acceptable" personnel. You're ready to to proceed safely with your top secret or potentially hazardous experiments! Other applications
for the scanner:
DISCLAIMER: Kent's column is intended for amusement purposes only.
Never look directly into a laser with your remaining eye, and never install
Linux without adult supervision. |
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