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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
FOREST LAWN CITY-- When Fred Upshaw bought his grass house, he didn't consider how much work would be involved in maintaining it. Fred had often criticized neighbours about their lawns before, but now he's starting to realize that people who live in grass houses should not throw stones.
"I just never seem to be able to find the time," said Fred, who works full-time at the local community newspaper as a typesetter. "After a full day at the office I'm pooped, and on weekends I have so many other household chores to do it's unbelievable," he said. "Somehow mowing the roof ends up being low on the priority list, and that means it just doesn't get done." Fred was originally attracted to the grass house for its heritage value. "It's kind of like that ivy thing people sometimes have hanging off old walls," said Fred, "except there aren't any creepy spiders waiting to come in through an open window. I think it's less pretentious." Fred lives alone in the one-bedroom log-styled home. "I have to admit," said Fred, "when I was renting a basement suite I used to criticize my neighbours when they let their lawns go for a week or two. I'm a bit of a neat freak, and an unkempt lawn is to me a sign of a slovenly mind. I can't stand that. But now that I have this place of my own, I'm worse than the worst of them ever was. I guess I learned my lesson not to criticize." "I've got weeds up there almost three feet tall!" he said, referring to his rooftop. Mowing the roof can be a dangerous task, as Fred discovered early-on. The pitch of the roof requires skillful manouvering of the mower, and the drop-off is severe. "You don't want to make a false step when you're up there," said Fred. "If the mower is heavy it can either fall backwards on you, or drag you over the sill. I nearly lost my left foot the first time I tried it, and I did put off trimming and weeding the eaves." "I paid a kid $20 to mow my roof once," said Fred, "but he ended up breaking his leg after tripping over the chimney and tumbling off the edge. After that I decided I had better do it myself." Fred has found more than a few surprises on the roof during his mowing efforts. "There were the usual Frisbees and baseballs up there, but I found dog poop once; I don't know how the neighbour's dog did it, but it was there." Fred is looking at options to lessen the workload of the weekly mowing. "Astro-Turf was one idea," said Fred, "but it wouldn't have the same earthy look it has now. It would eliminate the dop crap problem though..." "But
this is a heritage grass house," added Fred, "and zoning laws
won't allow me to remove it. Plus, there's a certain envy in the neighbourhood
for my growth of red fescue and bluegrass varieties. I may just throw
some wildflowers up there for colour, put up a hedge, or perhaps plant
an apple orchard."
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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