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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR RELIGIOUS HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA-- Long misunderstood by even their closest neighbours, Mennenites in the armpit of America have been building simple lives that are now attracting the attention of people looking for salvation that active modern life cannot offer them. The Mennenites' brand of religion developed in North America during the 1960s and 70s, when a few sweaty souls realized that perspiration and body odor did not attract people of the opposite sex, or help them in their day-to-day lives. Rather than move through the drudgery of life with a foul-smelling wetness, the Mennenites believe that reward lies in not allowing the stains of living to appear on the shirts and blouses of existence.
The original Church of Mennen divided into several sects in the 1970s: the Anti-Perspirants, and the Deodorants, which have since divided into a plethora of scents. The main differences between the two groups are the Anti-Perspirants belief that neither odor nor wetness should be emitted by the body, while the Deodorants believe that wetness is okay, as long as it is not too offensive. Pastor Elwin Hunffner ministers to a growing flock in Norfolk. "Religion can be a sweaty business," he said. "Most people perspire when under performance-related stress at work or school. When the boss or teacher is glaring over your shoulder, the sebaceous glands go into overtime. Well, right now and every minute of your life God is looking at what you're doing--even when you're sleeping. Are you doing the right thing? Are you thinking the right thing? Are your dreams truly wholesome? Did you glance at that woman's breasts? God knows all, and it will all count in the end. I'm sweating just thinking about it, but because I believe in Mennen, because I have put my trust in His Aqua-Scented protection I can feel confident that I have been absolved of my sins and the evil tainted smell that would otherwise exude from my pores like a cloud of doom leading me straight to the foul depths of Hell." Pastor Hunffner believes that an uncertain economic and political climate is contributing to a rising interest in his church. "There are signs out there that everyone can see," he said. "The depletion of beneficial ozone, global warming, the uncertainty of whether you can trust your immigrant neighbour, and knowing that your job can be rationalized out of existence at the drop of a pin--all these are causing the average American's temperature to rise. The body, in an attempt to cool down, emits bodily fluids--fluids that will stain your garments and cause awkward social moments." Many churches set their temperature abnormally high to test and judge the faithful. Marvin Schmitt is the custodian at the Advanced Formula Church of Freemont. "I used to be the caretaker at the local Lutheran church," said Schmitt. "There, we'd keep the temperature just high enough to keep the pipes from freezing, usually about 46 degrees. Here it's just the opposite. The pastor has asked me to jack up the heat to 80 degrees for the service. Add in the body heat of more than two-hundred people and the sweat is just running off of everyone. You can smell at a glance who has not performed their under-arm rituals that morning!" "That's
not something you'd want to have happen to you," continued Schmitt.
"In our church we practice shunning those who stray from the path.
We keep a wide berth of them until they admit their error and publicly
dab on the holy unguent."
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