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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BEER HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
CALGARY, ALBERTA-- The issue of alcohol consumption in Canadian schools is finally being addressed. The Alberta provincial government, under pressure from school trustees and outraged parents, has proposed corrective action that will limit beer-drinking in schools during lunch-hours and recesses.
Although it is written in the Canadian Charter Of Rights that "every Canadian has the right to drink beer anytime or anywhere", school boards are pressing to have a drinking limit put into schools, as they believe it may be impairing the students' abilities to learn. "Sure it's okay for the kids to have one or two beers with their lunch," said Joe McKullough, vice principal of Marlborough Central Middle High School in Northeast Calgary. "That's the Canadian way. But having a six-pack over a lunch-hour? That could potentially disrupt classrooms--a student would need at least two or three bathroom breaks to unload that amount of beer." The school board is proposing a three-beer limit during school hours, four lite-beers, or the equivalent of a full case of American-style beer. This would not include after school beer-drinking or during other extra-curricular activities--sports, plays, or band performances. Hard liquor has been banned in most schools, because it encourages students to drink more sugar-laden soft drinks, which goes against federal dental and nutritional guidelines for schools. Special dispensation may also be made for students in physical education classes, who would need an additional beer or two to replace the fluids lost during an athletic activity. "Those kids develop quite a thirst after a hard game of slashball or snow lacrosse," explained Thomas Riel, athletics director for Kensington Senior Elementary in South Calgary. "A couple of cool, crisp Kokanees (Canadian beer) help the kids rehydrate and replenish lost electrolytes and other barley-related nutrients."
"Most of the students are responsible, and do not abuse their God-given right to drink beer," said Sherman Berringer, vice-president of the Lethbridge Upper School For Advanced Students, a private institution. "Sure the occasional student gets belligerent, or blows chunks in his locker, but that's been happening everywhere in Canada since there ever was a school system. It is even said that Prime Minister Dieffenbaker once vomited for 45 minutes straight, after he drank several pints of genuine imported Guinness beer before an English exam." Canadian schools did make some changes to their policies in 1992, choosing to allow only canned beer on school property. That policy eliminated all of the glass breakage issues and safety concerns. Students also lost their ability to "fling" bottle caps, which was a popular activity until a Sarnia student reportedly lost an eye, prompting stricter regulations. So far, there
has been no opposition to the proposed changes, however three cold beer
and wine stores located near Calgary schools have expressed some concern
over the potential loss of revenue.
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