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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR TURTLE POOL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
VANCOUVER, BC-- With summer temperatures staying "pleasant" and not expected to reach "too-hot-to-move" heights, turtle pool sales had been much lower than anticipated. But, turtle pool marketing geniuses are hoping their new promotion, code-named "Operation Loggerhead" will make this summer extra special for pool-purchasing consumers.
Plasticorp Technologies, a leading manufacturer of turtle pools, including the popular "Mr. Turtle" brand, is bundling live mature sea turtles with the orders of pools being sent to stores. Retailers love it. "It's a great promotion," said Mark Finkle, senior manager of Cumbersome Toys. "I know that kids are going to to go nuts. And if they love it, so will their parents." "Most people wouldn't think of shelling out extra for a turtle, but when it comes free with the wading pool, who can resist?" said Mark. "The manufacturer is even including a sack of salt and instructions to create a saltwater brine environment. Now that's thinking of everything! Children love seawater, and it's sanitary. Those turtles are going to feel right at home." "This promotion is going to get snapped up pretty quick," he predicted. Most of the turtles will be loggerheads and leatherbacks, and upwards of 10 years old. "We got an amazing deal from a tuna-fishing outfit," said Plasticorp Technologies spokesman Kent Billcup. "A lot of these fellas would have just been strangled in the nets or processed into fishsticks, so we're actually helping nature here too. It's win-win for everyone." "These turtles can live to be a 100 years old, and grow up to 350 pounds," said Kent. "What kid wouldn't want a pet like that? And what parent wouldn't feel safer, knowing that their turtle pool will last at least that long? We have three separate designs to choose from: purple, blue and white." "There are other advantages to the 'Turtle in Mr. Turtle' offer," said Kent. "Kids can learn swimming techniques from a real marine mammal! And turtles are virtually maintenance-free. Sea turtles live mostly on seaweed and kelp, so they could just eat grass clippings and salad. Listen, sea turtles have been around for millions of years--they KNOW how to adapt. I also think turtles have a filtering system that converts their waste into nontoxic materials. If they didn't the ocean would be full of turtle crap, wouldn't it?" Consumers are warming up to the idea. "We have a sandbox in the backyard too," said mother Frita McNeil. "So when the sea turtle is ready to lay its eggs, we just have to lift it out of the pool and into the sandbox. I can't think of a better biology lesson for my kids. We'll just have to watch out for the dog stealing the eggs." Kent quickly assuages any fears consumers may have about turtle's reputation as ornery. "These turtles are harmless. They don't even have teeth, so they can't even bite. They have flippers, not claws. And we all know how slow turtles are, right?" he said. Kent expects
sales to soar despite the cooler summer weather. "We already have
a lot of national interest already," he said. "People like the
SPCA, Greenpeace, the National Wildlife Foundation, and several marine
institutes have already expressed a keen interest in speaking with us."
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