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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CONFLICT DIAMOND HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
LAC DE GRAS, NORTHWEST TERRITORIES-- Canada's diamond industry, the second largest producer in the world, is a burgeoning economic trade. But with the precious potential for great wealth also comes great greed--greed that is tearing apart the social and political fabric of the Canadian North.
Many of the diamond mines in Canada are in the far North, areas like the Northwest Territories and Nunavut, where the federal government's control is tenuous at best. Local warlords control the mines and wage bitter, never-ending wars against each other. They are constantly fighting Ottawa for territory and supplies. The Canadian federal government denies that there is a problem. "There are a few over-enthusiastic individuals, yes," said Gracie Wiggs, Minister of Warlords and Separatist Movements, "but we have the rebels right where we want them. Consumers can be rest assured that the diamonds they are buying for industrial machines or engagement rings were not purchased with the hacked-off hands and feet of former government workers." International observers disagree. Freedom International, a non-profit humanity organization, maintains that several hundred slaves, mostly captured from caribou farms in Northern Manitoba, are forced to work in open-pit mines, braving temperatures below -60° Celsius (still really cold in Fahrenheit). Most of the slaves are dressed only in strips of burlap, and their hands are mostly frozen as they chip away at the tundra with icepicks and the bones from fallen comrades.
Even Canada's elite military force, the Arctic Seals, have been unable to quell Oomluk's private army. The warlord's heavily-armoured snowmobiles and ferocious killer polar bears have been more than a match for the tundra-trained units. "It's too frickin' cold up there," said one commander on the condition of anonymity. "Haven't you heard what happened when Napoleon invaded Russia? I'd rather stay inside a warm igloo and watch hockey." Much of the money made from the sale of diamonds is used to purchase bone-carved weapons, more armoured snowmobiles and sleds, and the rest is used to finance other rebellious Arctic wars. The government has tried freezing their assets, but they're already frozen...literally. Many Canadian diamond buyers are completely aware that the the stones they purchase are financing the arms that groups such as the Inuit Liberation Front are obtaining. "Yes, I've heard about these so-called 'blood stones'," said Henri Leuger, a diamond buyer for the prestigious Leuger Diamonds. "But what does it matter to me? Everything we buy is built by the unhappy labour of some poor Chinese prostitute or some destitute proletarian. Should I care if Canadians are being captured, tortured and enslaved to hack these beautiful gems out of the bitterly cold, frozen ground, losing their lives in the process, and benefiting only a few illiterate cruel men?" "No,"
Henri continued. "Like most Canadians I really don't care where the
things I buy come from, as long as they are inexpensive...and these gems
are real deals."
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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The
worst culprit is the Ekati diamond mine, one of the largest in Canada.
Located in an isolated area--even more isolated than most--a local warlord
named Oomluk Ooh'lum'luk controls the law. The only access to the mine
is through an ice road that must be rebuilt every year, and the entire
500km path is strewn with land mines, and frozen chunks of slaves, criminals,
and others who have crossed Oomluk.
