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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR SNACK FOOD HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
SECRET SNACKFOOD LABORATORY-- Snack packaging engineers, the lucky scientists responsible for the technology that seals the freshness of snack foods, have been working hard to develop new bag-sealing techniques that will enhance the experience of opening a bag of chips.
"The fun is keeping the snacks inside the bag, and the fingers outside," admitted Dr. Simon "Chip" Chippendale, a leading scientist in field of snack packaging. "Of course, we want the consumer to eventually get the bag open--really we do--but as with any other experience, we've found that if a little extra effort is needed to get to the food, it is enjoyed just that much more." It's a constant tug balancing the desire of the consumer for a easily accessible snack, with what the snack packaging engineers consider the innate psychological need of the "muncher" for rewarding effort. "Deep inside, we all feel that some effort is required for eating," said Simon. "It may be a hold-over from hunter-gatherer times when effort really was required to track and kill something, or perhaps it's a nagging doubt instilled by your mother that you have to finish your chores before dinner. Wherever it comes from, snackologists and chip bag engineers have to come up with methods to assuage this primal urge." Sometimes they go a little too far. "We once made a bag that had such an explosive force we considered a warning label on the outside," said Helmut Kholrahber, engineer. "The bag was made with a special kevlar alloy that was almost impossible to tear open with the hands. Instead, the consumer was required to sit or jump on the product to break the seal and release the pretzels, which would explode out like salted shrapnel. It was more like a pretzel pipe bomb. We had a very big market out East where they enjoy that type of humour, but eventually the government asked us to stop production."
Helmut admits he enjoys when snackers try to squeeze a chip bag open, or try to get it to implode. "They obviously know nothing of plastic tensile strengths," he said, "to say nothing of the new polymer glues that have been developed in the past seven years to hold the bags together." Puncturing sometimes works, but engineers are modifying the technology to create explosions when snackers try to pierce the bags with car keys, pocketknives,or even fingers. "We're developing a special gas to put in the bag--you know how there's always some air in there to puff it out and look fuller--that will explode when it contacts the atmosphere," said Helmut. "That will be an exciting development." "Fortunately," said Simon, "consumers are worried about crushing the contents of their bags. Otherwise they would hurt themselves more often trying to force open a non-openable bag." Chip bag engineers have other tricks to make snackers work just a little harder to get at their favourite snack food. The little folded seam is one such trick, as is the non-sealable resealable bag. The "tear-here" tag is a classic ploy picked up from the condiment package engineers. "It's brilliant the way they can always get ketchup on your shirt," said Helmut, shaking his head in disbelief, "even after all these years." New technologies in the last 15 years have really opened the market for innovation. "It's a real art," said Simon. "The combinational potential is enormous--pressurizing the bags, vacuum-sealing, freeze-drying, they're all great methods. Like a jack-in-the-box before its last crank, the true connoisseur enjoys the anticipation right before a bag opens--the plastic or foil stretches under the force, and then--boom!" Some engineers feel that perhaps exploding chip bag gags are losing their humorous value, but Simon attributes this to a jaded older generation unable to to come to grips with a rapidly changing packaging environment. Helmut and
Simon both recommend consumers use scissors or other sharp implements
to open their snack food bags. "There's a reason we're called the
'tool-using animal'," said Simon. "Snackers should always have
a few good flint chips in their pockets to deal with food acquisition
problems."
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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