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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CHOCOLATE HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
TORONTO-- It has taken Edward Eden almost a lifetime, but he believes he has found his soul mate of chocolate bars--the Coffee Crisp. After years of candy-craving uncertainty and snack-related confusion, Edward thinks that he has found the right chocolate bar, the ideal candy confection that represents him the best.
"I can't believe it's taken me this long to find my match," said Edward, 39. "I spent the last ten years of my life as a Kit Kat man. I thought the bar was snappy, like me. It had four fingers of delicious chocolaty wafers--you didn't have to commit to the whole thing at once. It was a chocolate bar with class, yet carried a hint of smarm, and still showed off my frivolous side." Edward is a man who has had a lot of free time to explore his desires. "Oh I'd tried other candy bars," said Edward. "When I was a teenager, sure I experimented--but everyone did. Mars, Snickers, Goobers, it didn't matter. Back then it was just for the sugar kick. I was young, and I did foolish things. Eventually I settled down with the Kit Kat bar. But ultimately, the Kit Kat and I were mismatched. But even though it no longer felt right, I hung on to Kit Kat for several sordid years. It was unfair to me, and to my chocolate bar. I regret that now." Edward reflected on his snacking past momentarily, but then continued: "Of course, I feel disappointed that I lost the best years of my life with the wrong chocolate," said Edward, "but life is like that I guess. I just had to move on. There was no sense brooding over it." Edward discovered the Coffee Crisp when he was out shopping for nasal decongestant. "I saw the Coffee Crisp at the checkout counter--they were on sale, two for a dollar. I'd never tried one before. I thought it was one of those pretentious bars, kind of snobby and full of attitude. Well, I was wrong. The Coffee Crisp felt like the right fit from the first seconds I hand my fingers on it...before it began to melt that is." Edward was sure about the match after only one or two bites. "I felt a little guilty, like I was cheating or something," continued Edward. "Here I was enjoying another chocolate bar--and the Kit Kats were not even 10 feet away from me! But I couldn't help myself. It just felt so right, so true. It had something that Kit Kat was never able to give me--larger layers of wafers with more crunch...and a rich creamy taste." "It was delicious too, which was a bonus," said Edward. "I didn't realize it at the time, but Coffee Crisp represents a certain maturity and class that I had never found before in any other chocolate bar. Maybe I wasn't mature enough before. Maybe I wasn't ready for the Coffee Crisp--until now." Edward has since made a commitment to his candy bar choice--he just bought a case of them from Costco. "I didn't even think twice about the purchase," said Edward. "I never would have done that with the Kit Kats, or even Three Musketeers. It wasn't right--until now." Edward took a big bite for emphasis. "How
do you like your coffee?" asked Edward rhetorically with another
bite. "Crisp," he answered himself and smiled with pleasure.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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