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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR SLAVE HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
INSIDE THE CALL CENTER-- Rakh Al Mendar has been whipping his telemarketing team into shape. Brought in to control costs and increase production, Rakh has been working wonders in the short time he's been there. Already, the workers are avoiding his eyes--a show of respect--and appear more diligent when he walks by their workstations.
The Call Centre was inaugurated in 1987 and has kept reasonably up-to-date with computer-assisted dialing, automated call distribution (ACD), and other technological innovations. However, with markets getting tighter, management found it had to find ways to improve productivity. Their solution was to call in Rakh, a human resource manager from Luxor, Egypt. Rakh had several years experience with large public-sector projects involving teams of thousands. "We heard he could move mountains of stone," said Christine Wong, Chief Financial Officer. "This was the kind of person we wanted--someone who could chisel through the inertia of a complacent workforce and get them motivated again." Within a day of his arrival Rakh had left his mark on every employee. "These so-called workers, they thought they were at some date tree-lined oasis," said Rakh spitting in disgust. "The only things missing were scantily dressed virgins waving palm fronds above their heads. I flogged them all personally and beheaded every twelfth worker--to show them who controlled their life, and their death. Look, you can still see a few of the heads hanging from the fluorescent lights in my office. I keep them there as a reminder." Even long-time employees admit that Rakh has made a big impression on them. "Every time he cracks that whip I jump," said Teresa Elgar, a twelve-year employee. "We used to get little pep talks before having to sell subscriptions to trade magazines. Rakh doesn't try to buy you with that kind of fake talk. He tells it like it is, and boy, we've never worked harder!" I had to make several changes right away," said Rakh. "All of these so-called office 'conveniences'--things like air conditioning, water coolers, heating, electricity--they aren't essential. They are luxuries that take away from purpose of being here, which is to bring glory to our pharaoh. I was amazed to see that any work got done at all. Well, apparently, they need their computers, so I let those stay, but I got rid of all the casters on the bottom of the chairs and replaced them with logs. That's how we moved those stones for the pyramids, and that's how we're going to rebuild our profit margin--one call at a time." "These workers had it far too easy," continued Rakh. "They would not have lasted twenty minutes in the hot Egyptian sands. The previous managers were too soft and pampered them like Sumerian children. Not any more. I have eliminated all breaks and keep very strict discipline." "I flogged this one dog, who thought this job was some kind of pleasurable boat cruise along the Nile. I want fingers to be bleeding at the end of every day from work, and he wanted to go to the bathroom. I had them removed--his hands and the bathroom. He filed a grievance, so I flogged him again for his insolence. He now remains silent and works hard to regain his honour. I think he has learned his lesson, and perhaps his heart may yet pass the Weighing Of The Feather with Osiris. He may still be allowed to pass into Yaru and attain paradise." "Rakh's
interpersonal skills still need a little work," admitted Christine
Wong. "He does come from a different culture and we try to be sensitive
to that. But he's not just a grumpy disciplinarian. When targets are reached
he'll give everyone a gourd of murky beer and a handful of green onions."
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| This fictional story about slave drivers is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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