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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
—Frustrated Dear Frustrated: Clearly, your boyfriend is having illusory transmutations caused by a devil residing either in the head, entering into the outer perceptions by an exterior illusion, or else in the body, and now there imposes himself on his vision. Although to enter the soul is possible only to God Who created it, yet devils can, with God's permission, enter our bodies; and they can then make impressions on the inner faculties corresponding to the bodily organs. This is what has happened to your friend. The impressions of the organs are affected in proportion as the inner perceptions are affected in this way: the devil can draw out some image retained in a faculty corresponding to one of the senses. As he draws from the memory in the back part of the head an image of, say, a buxum naked woman, he moves that phantasm to the middle part of the head, where the cells of imaginative power are, and also to the sense of reason, which is in the front of the head. This sudden change causes objects to be seen as actual things, and to be acted on, much to the consternation and confusion of those around the possessed man. Some might object that two spirits cannot separately exist in the same place, and that, since the soul exists in the head, how can a devil be there also? Granting that the soul is in the head, or even the spleen, the devil can still work there. His work is different from the work of the soul. The work of the soul is in the body, to inform it and fill it with life so that it exists not merely locally, in the head or spleen, but the whole body. But the devil works in such a part and such a place of the body, effecting his changes in respect of the mental images. Therefore, since there is no confusion between their respective operations, they can both exist together in the same part of the body. The only way we can remove this demon, and allow your boyfriend to regain the use of his senses and organs is to remove his spleen with a hot poker. Only then will the devil have no place to hide and be forced to leave. Please give the inquisition a call. It is also vitally important that we have a long discussion with you as well, to determine the soundness of your mind and the state of your spiritual health. Please bring a list of all your recent contacts in case the contagion has spread. Together we will stop these evil machinations of the devil. I will be at Sparrow's Donuts on 16th Avenue in Vancouver, British Columbia next week from 10am until 2pm, Tuesday through Friday. I invite everyone to drop by with questions about witchcraft or heresies, or just to say hi. I'll treat the first 3 people who can successfully answer a skill-testing question about St. Pantaenus to a coffee and donut of their choice.
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Sexual
Health by Ignatious de la Pena y de Ybarra, Senior Inquisitor