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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
DEAD MAN'S CURVE-- I see you looking at the mangled wreck of my 1992 Toyota Tercel. Yes, it lays in a heap of twisted metal at the bottom of that ditch, and yes I am fortunate to have survived the incident without so much as a scratch. But you see, I can hardly be blamed for the accident. There were many factors beyond my control that likely contributed to this vehicular indiscretion.
Oh sure, it is easy to point your finger at my lack of driving experience, but had I passed those first two driving exams, I would have been far more prepared for this sort of roadside incident. Besides, I've seen enough "Knight Rider" episodes to know how to handle a car. I'm sure I would have reacted much sooner, had I not had that microwaved burrito in my hand. Had the cheese and bean filling not been so hot and spilled onto my lap, I probably would have been in better control. It didn't help that I had to try and maneuver with a Super Big-Gulp between my legs. Had the geniuses at Ford designed a cup holder appropriate for my beverage, this probably wouldn't have happened. It hardly seems important enough to mention now, but that girl in the bikini top may have distracted me somewhat. Had she been properly dressed, I wouldn't have tried to roll down my window and yell to her, and her cute friend. Those precious fourteen seconds my eyes were off the road could have made a difference. It certainly didn't help that I couldn't find an appropriate radio station to listen to. Do I look like some college genius who knows the difference between seek and scan? Had I been taught these things in that one 45-minute driving lesson I took, I might not have been fiddling with the buttons when I was rounding that slippery curve. Yes, it would be easy to blame the whole thing on the wet surface of the road, or the lack of tread on my tires, but that wouldn't be fair. And no, there was no alcohol involved--I had more than enough to drink before I got into the car. And It's hard enough to see through my cracked windshield without my prescription glasses as it is. I can barely see around the fuzzy dice hanging from the place where my rear-view mirror is supposed to be! I wish my father had taken the time to teach me how to use a standard transmission--I bet that third pedal on the floor could have helped prevent this accident. And if someone had told me what the emergency brake was for, I may have been able to stop in time. So if you consider all of these factors, along with the distractions of the flashing oil light indicator, the incessant beeping of the seat-belt reminder, and the constant backfiring of the engine, it's easy enough to conclude that I was the victim in this motor-vehicle tragedy. Would it
be alright if I borrowed your car this weekend?
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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