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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
THE AFFORDABLE CO-OP APARTMENT BUILDING-- The residents of the Ninth Floor, the uppermost of the Affordable Co-Op Apartment building near the Val-U-Centre Discount Superstore, are flouting their highest-floor-of-the-building status. Although the apartments are virtually the same, those occupying the ninth floor feel they're "above the rest." Although most are dismissing it as ridiculous, some of the other residents of the building are annoyed by the snooty attitudes of their upper-floor neighbours.
"It's not even a penthouse," said Katey Mavin, who lives on the eighth floor with her husband Troy. "The apartments on the ninth floor are identical to those on our floor, or even those on the second floor. They may have a slightly better view, but with the new towers going up even that's in question. They're exactly the same otherwise. They don't even have skylights or decent balconies." The Bentleys, who live in #901, refuse to associate with the Mavins or anyone else that they consider "beneath them." There are four suites on the ninth floor, and neither the Bentleys nor the other three tenants are willing to discuss the matter. "No comment," said Archibald "Skippy" Bentley. "Our private lives are our own business." "They refuse to participate in the building social committee, and they even have the nerve to rent out the common room for special '9th floor residents only' functions," said Katey icily. Paul Cummins, who lives on the fourth floor, is fairly certain that he has newer appliances than those on the top floor. "The building management gave me a new Amana, last year," said Paul, who lives with his girlfriend Amy. "That's a much better oven than the older models they have upstairs. And I know for a fact that they replaced the linoleum in the Reeses' (5th floor) bathroom in the spring. I saw the old stuff beside the dumpster. I'd notice if anything new was going in any of those ninth floor apartments." Even Burt Campaneris, the building superintendant, admits that there are only superficial differences between the ninth floor and the others. "They might have the more expensive felt-patterned wallpaper in their hallway," said Burt, "but I think they put that in themselves." "If
they're going to be snobs, they could do much better," added Katey.
"And despite Mr. Bentley's Italian-looking suits, and his fancy ascots,
I'm pretty sure that he drives a Volvo."
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