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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA-- Vancouver is believed to have been founded in 1886, but is still perceived as a modern city by most standards. So in an effort to capitalize on "so-called" ruins contained within its present-day limits, city council intends to restore several sites to help rediscover Vancouver's mysterious, yet anachronistically-challenged history. Piles of stone will be rebuilt to their ancient splendour, despite the outcry of several archaeologists and historical groups.
The ruins of ancient Vancouver (the Gateway to the Pacific in the times of Troy and Babylon) have been apparently neglected for centuries, and many pillars and obelisks are in danger of collapse. Doric columns are threatening to topple, carved stone blocks are eroding due to the salty Pacific climate, and marble totems--pounded constantly by fierce coastal winds--are losing their once-proud chiseled features. "It's important that we stabilize these remnants of our glorious past and re-establish ourselves as one of the pre-eminent historical cities of the world," said Herbert Eichman, founder of Save Our History, a group of concerned citizens working with the city to reconstruct several of the ruins typical of Vancouver's magnificent past. "Of course, we can't reconstruct all of the buildings--we think many of the records were destroyed when Mongol hordes crossed the Bering Strait and invaded British Columbia in 850 A.D.. But we should do what we can so that our descendants can look upon these wonders with the same sense of awe that we have."
Most Vancouver citizens--unaware that there was any history prior to Captain George Vancouver's discovery in the late 19th century--believed that their cherished city was still in its infancy, but already city planners and architects are drawing up plans to rebuild the so-called ancient temples and palaces on the site of the present-day planetarium and maritime museum. The site is next to Jericho Beach, where it is believed that the original city of Jericho may have been located, and where the famed bronze statue of Caesar, one of the wonders of the ancient world, could have stood over the bay. "It will be marvelous," said Cindy Tobu, city counselor, and a big fan of the movie Gladiator. "Not only will our children be able to see life as it was lived by the rich and well-to-do 2000 years ago, but tourists will have yet another place to visit and spend their money on ill-fitting t-shirts and shoddy merchandise." Several academics deplore the plan to rebuild the site, and have been holding public sessions at the aging Pacific Coliseum, the sports arena rumoured to have been built for the first Pacific-Olympian Games in 428 A.D.. Many do not even acknowledge the city's past, and deny any claims of civilized habitation prior to the English settlements in the 1800's. "I've lived here my whole life," said Walter Kelly, 47. "There are no ruins! The Roman-style structures are new! And they're made of concrete or plaster!"
"Well, this area has never been properly surveyed or excavated," challenged Winslow Abercrombie, an archaeologist at the University of British Columbia. "We have no clear idea of how these buildings looked originally. Instead, architects are copying old etchings of Roman ruins and comparing them to Vancouver's weather-worn structures. The Coliseum may or may not have been built in 1967, but there can't possibly be anyone still alive who can prove that." Abercrombie claims that most of Vancouver's ruins are part of an Imperial Capital built by Alexander the Great after he defeated the Parthians at English Bay in 325 B.C.. Later, it is presumed that the Romans made it their Provincial Capital. The English moved the capital to Fort Langley in 1858, but by that time the old palaces and temples were already in decay and abandoned by all except a few bureaucrats. By then, the architectural fashion had changed from marble and stone to cedar and fir, materials not fit for building monuments and memorials lasting millennia. The main
palace is expected to be completed for the 2003 tourist season, with a
major building to be painstakingly restored every following year for the
next three to four years.
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