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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BAFFIN HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
NORTHERN CANADA-- Canada is a country inhabited by many unusual animal species--the horned otter, the prairie seal, and the Great Northern troll, amongst them. But of those animals, none of them is quite as ferocious as the baffin, one of this country's fiercest creatures. Far more dangerous than the wolverine, the badger, or the mountain lynx, the baffin has long been the Arctic's premier predator. Fortunately for humans, the baffin lives only in one isolated area in the world--Baffin Island.
Closely related to the puffin and the penguin, the baffin is ideally suited to the despicably cold Arctic environment. The baffin's natural Gore-tex hide protects it from the harsh elements of Northern Canada, insulating it from the icy cold, keeping it very snug indeed. Tales of the baffin are legendary in Canadian folklore, but little is actually known about this deceivingly cute, but deadly hinterland animal. Stories from Inuit hunters say that baffins survive primarily on fish, reindeer, and polar bears. They hunt in packs, and use their sharp, powerful beaks to tear the flesh away from animal carcasses. Baffins are extremely clever, and have been known to fake lameness, luring would-be killers to their fate, not unlike the veloci-raptors in Jurassic Park. No detailed research has been done on baffins, mostly due to their isolation and insanely cold habitat--although in 1977, National Geographic sent a six-person crew to study them; they were never heard from again. Approximately four hundred people live on Baffin Island, most of them living inside the ice fortress of Iqaluit. Ten metre-high walls surround the entire city, protecting the population from potential baffin attacks. Members of the Inuit militia patrol the perimeter in armored snowmobiles, and carry loaded spears.
"It's
baff-ling why anyone would choose to live up there in Canada's
northern wastes--it's dangerous and it's frickin' cold!", said Ministry
of Fisheries and Wildlife official Derek Greene. "They must have come across on some Arctic bridge, maybe a steel one," said Henri Levesque, professional voyageur. "Or, it may have been frozen, and they simply waddled over to the mainland. Icebergs are another possibility, but they're very hard to steer." Greene believes the voyageurs' claim and thinks that the baffins may have been responsible for the decimation of the caribou population that year. Others believe that baffins were also responsible for the slaughter of two-hundred and forty members of a Hudson's Bay cult, although many are still blaming the deaths on poisoned Tang. "Let's just pray that they don't adapt to warmer temperatures," added Greene. "The baffins...not the cultists." Tourists
are warned to be careful on their next trip to the Arctic. Take care to
avoid wandering up to an "injured" baffin; there could be thirty
or more of them off to the side, waiting to prey on your tender human
flesh.
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