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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR ICE CREAM HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
BASKIN ROBBINS-- Scientists are still baffled in their efforts to find a cure for ice cream headaches, despite millions of dollars and years of research. The ice cream headache is an affliction that affects roughly 15,000,000 daily in North America. The disorder causes an immediate cold, sharp pain to rush up to the brain, causing numbness and other related symptoms. There is no cure in sight.
"We still haven't got this thing licked," said Dr. George Turnacoat, head researcher for the Institute of Frozen Food Studies in Ann Arbor, Michigan. "We've eaten gallons and gallons of ice cream and we're no closer to a cure, although I can definitely say now that 'cookies and cream' does not agree with my stomach." Ice cream headaches have been around for as long as people have been eating frozen snow and icicles. Before the invention of ice cream, however, the condition was not recognized. It was first identified and described in medical journals in 1928. Also known as "brain freeze", ice cream headaches can strike without warning...anytime you are eating ice cream...really fast. Similar symptoms have been known to surface in people who consume slushees, snow cones, freezees, milk shakes, and iced cappuccinos. Some doctors are now cautiously speculating that it's the same condition, regardless of the iced confection or product being consumed. The new theories say the cold triggers a dilation of blood vessels in the head, causing the body to try and regulate the temperature of the brain. Many other researchers scoff at these wildly imaginative theories, including Dr. Turnacoat. "I won't dismiss it out of hand," said Dr. Turnacoat. "Obviously any theory is worth a second sorbet, er, sober glance, but it seems pretty clear to me that a snow cone lacks the richness and velvety smoothness I would expect from a fine 'Traditional Vanilla'. It stands to reason the headache will be different too." While most ice cream headaches are benign, others fear that they may cause more serious problems, such as temporal displacement, similar to the effects of suspended animation. "The ice cream headache sufferer could possibly lose time," explained Dr. Tse Ling-Phan, a temporal neurologist for the Kensington University Health Sciences Center. "Although an ice cream headache seldom lasts more than 30 seconds, it could effectively prolong that person's lifespan by 30 seconds. I call it Frozen Food-Induced Temporary Cryogenics, or FFITC for short." Dr. Ling-Phan believes that with enough research the time-displacement power of the ice cream headache could become a reality, but warns that it should not be fooled with by amateur scientists or evil geniuses-in training. "These headaches are obviously warning signs," said Dr. Ling-Phan. "We must proceed cautiously, one scoop at a time. There are just too many dangers of tampering with cryogenic-inducing confections, and not just with domestic frozen treats. We also have to think about foreign desserts such as green tea ice cream," he continued. "What deleterious effects is that having on Asian kids? Or what about poor Siberian children who are at risk when they slurp frozen borscht? Finding a cure should be the main priority of scientists and researchers." Kevin Chow is an ice cream headache sufferer, and proponent of the FFITC hypothesis. "I once
ate a litre of Ben & Jerry's Double German Chocolate in four minutes,"
said Kevin. "I think I was out cold for at least five minutes after
that! If this keeps happening, I could outlive my children."
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