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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BEER HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
BRITISH COLUMBIA-- The retail alcohol industry is a very spirited business in the province of British Columbia, and with the changes to the B.C. liquor laws, competition is going to be stronger than cheap Alberta whiskey. Private liquor stores are coming up with innovations to give them a good head start.
"Just selling cold beer isn't going to cut it anymore," said Fred Duffle, owner of the South Surrey Tavern. "We're going that extra couple of degrees and selling very cold beer and wine. We believe the consumer is going to become excited by the extra refreshing coolness they can only get from our chain of stores." Fred Duffle won't say exactly how much colder his beer and wine will be, citing threats of corporate espionage, but spouted off that he has draughted up some plans for expansion, and is foaming at the mouth over potential revenues. "Canadians like their beer very cold," said Duffle. "We'll settle for cold, but colder is better. Very cold is best. When your beer is at that delicate point where it's almost beginning to freeze, that's what the people will pay for. Remember ice-beer? Do you know why that evaporated away? It wasn't cold enough!" Fred's logic makes sense. "Why would someone settle for cold beer, when they could get very cold beer?" added Duffle, not wanting to keep his feelings bottled up. "Pitcher this: you and your buddies are looking for a case of beer. You don't have time to cool down the warm sludge they sell in the liquor store, because the hockey game is starting in five minutes. Why waste your time on mere 'cool' or 'slightly chilled' beer, when by going that extra kilometre you can get beer that's not just cold, but very cold?! This is the advantage that will give my stores the refreshing edge." Fred Duffle isn't the only cold beer and wine store trying the new colder angle. Rajinder Singh, owner of the "Really" Cold Beer and Wine Store, promises wine coolers that really are cooler. "These beverages will be selling faster than bottled water after a natural disaster," promised Singh. "And if the customer wants something that is really, really, cold they know that I have my extra special 'private reserve' refrigerator where I keep beer, wine and other refreshments much colder than other establishments I will not be naming at this time." What's "on tap" for the future? The ale-ing sales of recent years promise to be recarbonated by new regulations allowing greater competition among these much colder beer and wine stores. This will cap-off the province's liquor reforms, and restore an industry that may have gone flat. Despite the
changes, sales to minors must still be accompanied by a note from an adult
or guardian, promising that the child won't drink at school.
Archived Stories - New School Drinking Limit Is Hard To Chug Down - Alcohol And Drunkenness May Be Connected - Sparkling Wine Outshines Other Brands - The Beer Man Knows What Ales You
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