What To Expect When You Accuse Someone Of Witchcraft

Dear Ignatious: I think my boyfriend may have sold his soul to the devil, but am not sure. How do Inquisitors find out the truth, and will I have to be questioned?

—Curious

Dear Curious:

The Inquisition has to move very quickly when determining who is a witch or not, thus such cases must be conducted in the simplest and most summary manner, without the arguments and contentions of advocates, who would slow the process down unduly with legal quibbles and contentions which are introduced in other cases.

Now I have personally heard some doubt expressed as to the meaning of these words, and as to exactly in what manner such cases should be conducted. But, desiring as far as possible to remove all doubt on the matter, let me explain the following procedure once and for all as the most valid: The Judge to whom is committed such a case doesn't require any writ or legal fiddly diddlies; he may conduct the case on holidays for the sake of the convenience of the public, he should shorten the conduct of the case as much as he can by disallowing all dilatory exceptions, appeals and obstructions, the impertinent contentions of pleaders and advocates, and the quarrels of witnesses, and by restraining the superfluous number of witnesses. In many cases, one witness is enough.

You will, of course, be asked to testify and present your case. Because heresy and witchcraft are such heinous crimes we will make every effort to ensure that your testimony is not corrupted by any sins that the flesh is heir to, or by the influence of any supernatural malefactors.

Besides the formal questions of how long you've known the defendant, where you met, etcetera, you will also be asked if any of the accused's kindred had formerly been burned as witches, or had been suspected of witchcraft. Please answer honestly.

You will then be further asked whether you are making this deposition out of hatred or rancour, or whether you are suppressing anything out of favour or love. It's best to come clean: this isn't a schoolyard and you aren't protecting or causing some play-mate to get a thrashing for your amusement--this is your and the defendant's eternal souls at stake. Avoid the Lake of Fire!

Once we are convinced that the accused has worked witchcraft upon children or animals he is placed in custody, and his house will be searched unexpectedly. All chests will be opened including all the boxes in the corners, and all implements of witchcraft which are found to be taken away.
And having done this, the Inquisition shall compare together everything of which he has been convicted or suspected by the evidence of witnesses, and conduct an interrogatory on the accused asking him or her to swear by the four Gospels of God to speak the truth concerning both himself and others.

We may then need to question you again to ascertain the extent of the corruption. Please have a list of your relatives handy, indicating which ones have already been accused of witchcraft. We'll also need a list of everyone you've talked to in the last 72 hours. Together, and with the benefit of strict examinations, we will rid the world of evil!

I will be at Starling's Donuts on York Street in Fredericton, New Brunswick next week from 10am until 2pm, Tuesday through Friday. I invite everyone to drop by with questions about witchcraft, or just to say hi. I'll treat the first 6 people who can successfully name the two patron saints of swineherds successfully to a coffee and donut of their choice.

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