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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BREAST REDUCTION HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
BEVERLY HILLS, CA-- Protest groups in front of a breast reduction clinic have been swelling in size in recent weeks. Hundreds of men who are "pro-breast" have been lining up with signs and banners decrying the elective surgery. They are challenging the recent court decision allowing a woman the right to choose to reduce the size of her breasts.
"I don't agree. This is an affront to Nature and to God," said one bearded man. "God intended the female breast to be large and fruitful. He never meant these bountiful fruits to be tampered with. Every time a woman desecrates her body in such a manner, men around the world cry out." "Have these doctors no shame?" he asked, "This has got to be a sin. Can't someone look it up?" Although the reduction surgery can be performed to remove tumours and other possible medical issues, it is often just done to help alleviate back pain. And other times it is done solely for cosmetic purposes! "Women have the right to do whatever they want to their bodies," said Joline Compton, who went from a size double-D to a size C. "They're our boobs." Picketers are not convinced. "If God had intended women to have smaller boobs, he would've...uh blessed them that way," said one anonymous protestor wearing a t-shirt that said: Size Matters. "It's criminal," he added. "To be blessed with so much, and to just give it away...and if it's back stress, I bet there are teams of engineers willing to do all the research required to develop a better brassiere capable of handling such a lovely burden." Women disagree. "These men are harassing, intimidating, and obstructing," said Charlene Tunney, a size 38D, and an advocate for breast reduction rights. "Mind you, they're like that all the time..." "It levels the playing field," agreed Erin Britton of the surgical procedure, who is a B-cup, "I have no problem with that." The American Civil Liberties Union has not yet taken a stance on the issue. The ACLU has always been in favour of peaceful picketing, leafleting, and other forms of constitutionally protected speech, but has yet to decide on whether a woman should have the right to have her boobies made smaller. So far, the protests have been peaceful. The men will often stand-by silently, staring at the women's tits as they enter the clinic. "We're not trying to stop them," said one, "just hold them up a little. The women, not their breasts." Clinic staff have been ignoring the protests. "There hasn't been any need to deflate the situation yet," said Dr. Chris Patterson, chief surgeon. "But we've been keeping the police abreast of the situation." Although the protests are growing, it's not fast enough for some. "We still need more support," said Bill Cochon, organizer. "We're trying to set up a boob-bank, so that if this surgery must be done, at least the 'excessive' boob flesh can be donated to those less-well endowed." "Men as usual, blow this out of proportion," stated Joline Compton. "Proportion!
It's ALL about proportions," replied Bill Cochon. "Beautiful,
well-rounded proportions."
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