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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BATTERIES HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
MATTEL HEADQUARTERS-- The Toy Consortium (TTC), the body responsible for regulating the strict design and operating standards of all electronic games, toys, and accessories, is accusing a small toy manufacturer of including batteries with one of their products. The Lucky Action Toys company recently began distributing a battery-operated transformable prehistoric superhero. The toy converts from a Jurassic-era dinosaur into a crime-fighting defender of justice using only two AA-batteries--batteries claimed to be included with the toy.
If found guilty, Lucky Action Toys faces stiff penalties and the possibility of having their trade franchise revoked. In 1974, major toy and game corporations signed the Batteries Not Included Agreement (1974) with Union Carbide. The agreement was intended as a non-competitive agreement between toy manufacturers and portable energy providers. "Mattel, Irwin, and Parker Bros. were pressured into signing the agreement," said Marcus Demitre, a former legal adviser for an anonymous toy company known for producing Monopoly. "A battery company was beginning to establish themselves in the toy industry with their home electronic shock game 'Dr. Lobotomy'. The toy companies were worried they would lose their stranglehold, so they caved in and signed the agreement." Al Khaline, president of Lucky Action Toys, denies the accusation and puts it all down as a misunderstanding. "We would never try to undermine the power of TTC," said Al. "It was a production issue, and we hope to have it cleared up in time for the Christmas rush." TTC officials aren't convinced. "The packaging clearly states 'batteries included' in capital letters," said an unnamed minion. "The Batteries Not Included Agreement (1974) clearly states that batteries, size AAA to D, as well as those square ones [9 Volt], are not to be included with any toy. This grievous breach of standards is a deliberate attempt by this particular toy manufacturer to undermine the stability of the battery/toy balance of power that has existed for 28 years." "These regulations are in place to protect the consumer, the toy manufacturer and the battery producer," continued the minion. "It would appear that this company has made a secret deal with the copper-tops--no other explanation is feasible. It's a very charged situation." "The investigators have come into this with a lot of negative energy," said a drained Al Khaline. "Once they start, they just keep on going and going, and don't let you get a word in edgewise. The explanation is quite simple. When we first designed the toy we were using watch batteries--those tiny little round ones that get lost if you try replacing them yourself. Those batteries are not covered in the agreement, and many toys, especially those annoying sound-effect books, have them included. The 'batteries included' burst on the packaging was done as a 'retro camp' feel by the designer. There's no way anyone in their right mind would put three star-bursts on a package, unless it was for fun." "Unfortunately, due to a production glitch, we had to switch from the watch battery to regular 'AA' batteries," continued Al. "It was too late to change the packaging--we already had over a million units printed and waiting in Malaysia for shipment. We also couldn't lie to consumers, or renege on the agreement. So we included the original watch battery, but not the 'AA' batteries the consumer will need to actually run the toy." The Toy Consortium's investigation is expected to continue at least another two months. "We'll
just be taking this 1.5 volts at a time," said Al.
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