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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR GAMING HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
NOT FAR AWAY-- David Spears has had a burden lifted from him as heavy as a suit of armor. The 36-year-old game enthusiast had spent almost half of his life dealing with an unforgivable shame: he had never defeated the arcade game "Ghosts 'N Goblins." But thanks to some hard work, and some luck, he recently beat the game that had been haunting him for seventeen years.
Ghosts 'N Goblins was developed in 1985, as one of many popular new side-view scrolling platformer games. The player controlled the "knight in shining armor", and with a variety of weapons at his disposal fought against legions of evil creatures on the standard quest to save the princess. "It was freakin' hard," admitted David. "You started out with a throwing lance--yah, a lance--and you had to use it to fight off these ceaseless waves of undead hordes. There was no save-game feature either, so it was all-or-nothing each time you played." David began playing arcade games when he was a teenager, during the dawn of video games. He was instantly hooked on Ghosts 'N Goblins when it was introduced by Capcom in the mid 80's. David easily spent half of his Burger King paycheques at the arcade, feeding quarter after quarter into the hungry machine. Unfortunately, David's lack of skill, combined with the often slow reaction time of the game, made it impossible for him to get past the third level. His frustration mounted when his local arcade closed in 1988, forcing him to travel eight miles to a 7-Eleven on the other side of town. That was the closest place to find the game.
Over the years, David continued to invest time and silver into the taunting game. David was like a ghost himself, often disappearing from parties and other social functions, just so that he could try one more time. Eventually he gave up, and went on to finish college. The game was forgotten for a while, but in 1998, a friend introduced David to MAME (Multiple Arcade Machine Emulator). Soon after that, there was a copy of Ghosts 'N Goblins running on his Pentium II computer. "I still sucked at the game," said David, "but at least it wasn't 'goblin' up any more of my money. Oh sure, I burned up all my sick days from work, and I lost some friends, but it was a small price to pay for my obsession. But I still couldn't beat that *#&$ game!" David's fortune changed when he was recently dismissed from his job due to excessive absenteeism. "I got canned from the food processing plant, and I used my final paycheque to buy a HotRod game controller," said David. "After I installed that, I discovered a Ghosts 'N Goblins walk-thru page, with all sorts of hints and other useful tips." David used the advantage of being unemployed, and the lucky coincidence of becoming single (he didn't spend enough time with his girlfriend) to lock himself in his apartment and focus on completing the game that had been a curse to his existence. "I spent 37 hours straight, fighting that game for every inch of grass, ice, and lava," sighed David. "But it finally paid off!" David defeated the game on August 23rd, 2002, at 5:32 A.M. There was no fanfare, no celebration--just a quiet nod to the game that had been his nemesis for two decades. David pondered
his proud victory for a moment before he announced: "Now I'm ready
for Ghouls 'N Ghosts!"
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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