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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Being Chosen by the Almighty on high can be difficult at times. It's a rare and heavy burden to minister to your flock, and the pressing details of day-to-day micro-management of organizing your cult can be stressful--not just for you, but for all the loving followers who hang on to your every Word. Why not relieve some of that pressure with a little fun-time? Pretending to be insane is a good way to get the laughs rolling again. You've all worked hard, especially you, and chances are that tempers are getting short and your flock is feeling a little stir-crazy cooped-up in the bunker like they are, separated for their own good from the devil-induced corruption of the outside world. Relieve the tension before someone gets hurt! Your followers know you as The Word, The Chosen One, A True Prophet, a Man (or Woman) of weighty substance and Carrier of The Divine Mission. Let them also know you as having a sense of humour. A good place to start is to not shave or bath for several weeks. You may not be doing this anyway, so you may have to improvise by rolling in ashes or cow dung. Then walk around the compound with your arms straight out and pretend to be a zombie, saying things like "Give me your first-born" or other trite nonsense in a halting voice. This should spark a smile or two. While you're in your extra-filthy condition get really close to someone and sniff at them like a dog before proclaiming that they smell funny. If you have a communal shower deign to show up and insist that everyone under the cold water taps sing Gilbert and Sullivan songs. Gilbert and Sullivan always bring a smile to everyone's lips, and those under the water will appreciate the diversion from pondering their sins. The activities and choices are limitless. When my cult The Glorious Children of the Third Star was going bonkers in our cave awaiting the Day of Judgment I would force the whole group to sit cross-legged on the rocky floor and expound for hours on the Religious Significance of Garfield comics. Of course, no one was allowed to laugh out loud, but I could tell from the tears in their eyes that my People enjoyed stress-relieving antics of America's favourite talking cat, and got a religious and moral lesson from it as well! So insist,
really insist, that everyone drink Kool-Aid one day, or run naked around
the compound swinging a hammer--your cult will be healthier and your reputation
will not only be for your Profound Depth of Understanding, but also for
being a fun-loving leader.
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Starting
Your Own Cult, with Dr. Emeril Lazarus
