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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR POLITICAL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OTTAWA-- Ethel Francis-Horkmeier would just love to get a job working with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Ethel, an inquisitive housewife from Brampton, Ontario, is just dying to know who is fooling around in other countries.
Ethel became interested in foreign affairs when she first learned about Prince Charles' widely-rumoured indiscretions with the Englishwoman Camilla Parker-Bowles back in 1995. Inter-marital affairs have fascinated her ever since, and she now wants to be a part of bringing adulterous information to Canadian citizens. "I think it's important that Canadians are able to receive news about international sex-scandals," said Ethel. "I wouldn't mind reporting about gossip on the world stage, but that's the domain of the Ministry Of Propaganda." The ministry was formed in 1937 after news reached Canada about King Edward VIII's affair with the American, Mrs. Wallis Warfield Simpson. The King's romantic liaisons forced him to abdicate the throne of England to his brother in 1936, a whole year prior. Because of a lack of a national information service, an embarrassed Canada was the last country to find out about the affair. And to add humiliation to the embarrassment, they found out secondhand hand from their neighbours, the Americans. After that, the Canadian government vowed never to be "the last to know" about dalliances on the world stage. Since then, the ministry documents all known infidelities, cuckoldries, and courtships, and keeps files on both old and current affairs. "Adultery is still adultery, no matter what country you're in," stated Horace Braithwaite, ministry official. "And the borders of love are not drawn in dotted lines on a map. We're here to colour in those grey areas, lest any triste take us by surprise." Horace is happily married himself, but he loves his work.
"We're not trying to create international incidents," added Horace, "but the Canadian people have the right to know who is sleeping with whom, and for how long it's been going on." "You may have read in the tabloids about Gary Hart and Donna Rice," said Horace. "That was us who leaked it to the press. Now people don't even remember who that guy was, but it was a big deal in the late 1980s. Then there was that ambassador for Yugoslavia who was seeing a diplomat from Croatia. Talk about sleeping with the enemy! We made sure this important information was available to the Canadian public--and to the employers of these diplomats." "I'm proud to say that our Ministry of Foreign Affairs is now renowned the world over for it's ability to gather and disseminate useful illicit indiscretionary information." Braithwaite
mentioned that there may be an opening for Ethel. Right now, two of the
ministry's workers are under suspension, pending a review. Both workers
are married, but have been seen together on several questionable occasions.
Braithwaite refused to comment further, saying that is was still under
investigation from Internal Affairs.
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