 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
One of the heavy responsibilities that being the unquestioned Leader of the True Believers is adminstering a Group Benefit Plan to your Flock--or cult as the eternally doomed nay-sayers may call it. Some may poo-poo the idea of a group benefit plan. Surely God will take care of His own, they will say. And of course, strictly speaking, they are right. The Heavenly Father--who speaks to You directly--does take care of His True Believers. Those who have the True Faith will be cared for, but try telling that to one of your flock who has an abscessed tooth or has just broken their arm. In times like these it's useful to recall that God looks at the Big Picture: Souls, Lakes of Fire, Eternal Damnation and the like. Retirement Savings Plans were probably not in His Revelations to you. Of course, if they were, you need read no further--you'll have all the information you need. For the rest of us who have to care for the mundane reality of this Vale of Tears, I've divided the Group Benefit Plan concept into three parts: Health Care (including Dental), Insurance, and Retirement Savings. We'll leave Health Care and Retirement Savings for now and concentrate on insurance. Insurance is actually the easiest to deal with. Your members will have liquidated whatever insurance policies they may have had when they Saw the Light and joined Your Vision. They have liquidated all of their assets, haven't they? (As an aside, if you are allowing your Flock to keep private property you're not doing a proper job of creating a True Community of Equals Before the Lord, are you?) You don't need insurance where you're going, and neither does your Flock. Your Family will care for the physical needs of children left behind if in the event of tragic accidents or 'mishaps'--as long as they share the same values of Truth, Justice and Obedience to The Revealed Way of which You are the Sole Beacon. Incidentally, encourage your People to make your organization the beneficiary in their wills. After the tragic accidental fire-bombing of the Sun Soldiers of Christ's bunker in Texas, the organization was able to recoup more than their losses through the unliquidated properties of new members unintentionally hurried on their way to Heaven. Even though your more mature members may no longer have any net worth, they themselves may be beneficiaries of rich aunts. Make sure that all that filthy lucre has a path to reach Your Goodness. Group Benefit
Plans are complex and difficult, but when broken down into discreet chunks
they are easier to implement. Next time we'll look at Medical and Retirement
Savings.
|
|||||||||||||
 |
|
||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
Starting
Your Own Cult, with Dr. Emeril Lazarus
