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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Last time we looked at the insurance side of Group Benefit Plans and how you, as the Sole Receivor of God's Grace and Wisdom can implement a proper plan. In a nutshell, your members don't need insurance. Of course, it's important to bear in mind that any property you own should be properly insured--especially against fire--but that's a different topic. The other sides of the group benefit plan triangle are Health Care and Retirement Savings. For health care remember that even though your Flock is no longer paying into medicare (evil and corrupt government institution) or some other health insurance plans, there are plenty of free clinics available, especially in the larger urban centres. Take advantage of the largesse of the human spirit while you can, for soon the End of Days will be upon us and not even the big hospitals will be able to help the plagues of locusts and leprosy that will sweep the land like a scourge! Sometimes it's not desirable or feasible to go to a clinic where awkward questions may be asked about burns to the back and buttocks, or where they may question if that black eye really came from falling down the stairs. If someone in your Flock is really sick or injured and the Spirit of the Lord is no longer filling them with the Strength to Bear this Cross with fortitude, it's always nice to have a van where you (and a few trusted lieutenants) can take the problematic individual and leave them to God's care--far from where they can wander back to you. If they are that sick or injured God can take care of them better than you can anyway--you have to minister to all your Flock, not just the one or two whining individuals that God has seen fit to punish with some disease. God's will is inscrutible in many ways. Once back at the compound, make sure that everone prays for forgiveness for this person who has obviously committed some sin so dreadful that they have fallen from God's favour. Retirement savings plans, although unimportant to your flock, are very important to you. You'll want to make sure that at least 10% of your organization's earnings are placed in accounts far away and under assumed names to protect them from the prying hands of the Devil's minions in the Justice Department or the Taxation Office. Somewhere in the Caribbean is a good idea. Who wouldn't want to retire in the Caribbean? As you slowly build up your personal net-egg keep a close eye on the demographics of your Followers. At a certain point, usually in their mid-thirties, they will start to realize that they are mortal and liable to die--perhaps even before the Promised Return from Heaven, or the Promised Exit to heaven, depending on your Revelation and Received Wisdom. This is where it's wise to have an Exit Strategy planned out. By keeping the Promised Land dangling in front of the Faithful you can draw out their support and unquestioned Love for many years of service. When you can't hold it out any longer without the Faith being Questioned, implement your plan. Assuming
you are still in this Vale of Tears after you've seen them on their way
you can start again with a new group of eager young recruits--recruits
who are looking forward to their Glorious Future in Heaven at God's Right
Hand Side and not yet to a retirement condo in Florida.
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Starting
Your Own Cult, with Dr. Emeril Lazarus
