 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
I'm Frank Herschel, known to the trembling masses as Captain Electro. In the 1970's I was the world's top Evilitarian, but now I'm retired, and offering you free advice for simple and easy world domination. All of us evil geniuses have a defining moment of our lives, whether it was when we fell into a vat of acid, grotesquely disfiguring us for life, or perhaps witnessing some horrible scene of destruction as a small tot. The psychological scars have turned us into bitter and angry men and women, and now we are to take revenge on an unfeeling world! Woe to them all! The time for revenge is now! But I'm getting carried away. Although these defining moments of our lives--the chemical experiment gone awry, the torturous turn-down by the beautiful girl--are the source of our power and our inspiration to take over the world, they can also be a dangerous weakness. Just ask the Atomic Sponge, the Eccliastic Avenger, or Baron Plumbous. It is all too easy to start feeling sorry for ourselves at some critical moment in the activation of some hideous and insidious scheme, perhaps when the large circular saw is getting close to the captive girlfriend of some meddlesome superhero, or perhaps when an estranged partner or offspring we've captured says they still love us. Those damn kids can be the worst! One minute you're gloating over taking over the United World Headquarters, and the next you're being reminded by some sappy kid you haven't seen in 20 years that they miss you and they know you still have some good in your heart. Fools. Although you will be encouraged to cry or 'let it out' by those around you, remember that even though it looks like they care they were the ones who laughed at you when the science experiment went wrong and turned your body into the twisted wreck it is now. Or, even if it wasn't them, it was people just like them. If you cry now they will just start laughing again and the pain will be worse! Don't trust anybody. A super-villain can't afford to be weak in front of others--if you have to have self-doubts and anguished moments of guilty conscience do it in front of a professional psychologist who will just nod and mutter something non-committal. They're paid not to laugh. It's not a bad idea to do this every now and then to bleed off those feelings of remorse so they won't affect you in a moment of crisis. When you have a weak-kneed, brightly coloured super hero dangling over a pit of sharp spikes by a rope (use jute for a more natural look) that's being burned by a candle you don't want to start blubbering about how your mother dropped you on your head as a baby. That just gives more information to the do-gooder--information that he or she will try to turn against you. Stay focused
on the job at hand. Remember that your defining moment has allowed you
to become as powerful as you are. Don't play the sap and allow it to become
your downfall too.
Captain Electro's Evil Archive
|
|||||||||||||
 |
|
||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
A
Step By Step Guide With Former Evil Genius Captain Electro
