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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR MAGICAL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
ONCE UPON A TIME, IN A LAND NOT-SO-FAR AWAY-- The men with brooms are leaving Canada--not the curlers, but the wizards. Canadian practitioners of magic are disappearing out of thin air, and they're magically reappearing in the United States, says a new study from Pigbristle's Research Institute, a think tank attached to a famous wizards' school with a similar name. Wizards, necromancers, and shamans are taking their practices of the dark and light arts south of the border, leaving Canada short of qualified mages.
British Columbia has been hit hardest. Because of government cuts to the province's magical budget, there isn't as much gold to pay for trained spellcasters. Wizard's apprentices continue to train at the BC Institute of Witchcraft and the Northern University of Mages, but once they graduate they are without prospects. The few jobs that do open up are hard to fill. The union of Alchemists and Wizards can not pay salaries high enough to keep qualified candidates interested in working in the province, especially in remote areas. Wizards are flying south, where the lure of bigger money and bigger castles is spellbinding. Where has all the magic gone? "If I were to do some crystal-balling, I'd predict that 80% of Canadian wizards will be offered salaried positions in the United States," said one analyst. "I see their economy growing faster and there are just so many more opportunities south of the border. It used to be magicians would work here for next to nothing--they wanted to help open the country up, make a name for them self. Nowadays, there's no romance or appeal in sitting alone in some shack deep in the woods waiting for wandering minstrels or questing knights errant to drop by. There's a lot more glamour in the big cities." The National Wizards Council disagrees, saying that British Columbian magic practitioners are the third-highest paid in the country, and that their salaries are competitive with mid-range American wizards and witches. "The real villains in this piece are current government policies," said Arcanaphobius, spokesman. "There is a real need for these young graduates, and many would rather work here than in the States where ordinary people don't have the same magical benefits as Canadians do. Canadians have the right for reasonable magical assistance. In the States, you have to pay more for potions, elixirs, and powders. Professional wizards and witches--and their employers--charge whatever they want for services. A lot of our young people just aren't comfortable with that emphasis on profit. They would rather work here where they can be a force for good. Alas, this short-sighted policy of fiscal restraint is driving many of our brightest to greener pastures." Canadian Apprentices spend four years studying spellcasting, potions, and other arcana at several colleges and universities throughout BC. Graduating mages are magically finding work in the United States. They're being offered long-term contracts, signing bonuses, and perks such as a company broom or cauldron, and access to magical ingredients that have not been approved by Canadian federal drug regulators. The Pigbristle's
Research Institute's new study also highlights a potential problem: the
aging population of current wizards. Many of the province's wizards are
already over 300 years old, and there are not enough experienced witches,
warlocks, or sorcerers to replace them when they retire, vanish, or are
seized by evil forces. When they go they will be taking many of their
arcane secrets with them.
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