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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR ESCALATOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
INSIDE THE SUBWAY-- Leslie Erickson is a normal 23-year old student. She likes hip-hop, dislikes asparagus, and worries about weapons of mass destruction. In one respect though, Leslie is different from her classmates, and most people around her. Leslie has a deadly fear of escalators.
Unlike normal escalaphobia, which affects .03% of the population, Leslie is not worried about having her feet or clothing trapped by the teeth at the end of the ride, or scared of being sucked up into the machinery to be ground into sausage. Instead she is terrified, with every trip, that the escalator will stop, trapping her halfway between her destination and where she's been. What makes it worse is that Leslie has to take the escalator every day--both to and from school. "It's really very stressful," said Leslie. "I dread going to school--but not for normal reasons. And all day I worry about the trip home. Will I make it? Or will this be the end? I've chewed off the ends of twelve Bic pens this semester alone, and it's not even mid-term yet." "What if I'm trapped with scores of other people on an escalator? So many people in such a confined space. Or alone when the escalator fails...what would I do? Would anyone even know I'm on it?" asked Leslie. "I can just imagine us all, hundreds of us, standing on the escalator and saying, 'well, what do we do now?' We could be stuck there for hours for the escalator repairmen to come and fix whatever is broken," said Leslie. "And what if I need to go to the bathroom or something?" "Or, worse yet, what if it breaks down after 5pm and we have to stand there all night?" Leslie shuddered. "I don't know what I'd do. I've recently started putting an emergency blanket in my backpack. That way, at least if it got really desperate I could sit down. As long as I didn't get too scared that it would start again without warning." "They might have to slide down on that metal side part," she said, starting to panic. "That would be gross--you know how dirty that is? And they always put speed bumps on them. But what other alternative would they have to rescue us? The tunnel is too small to fit a helicopter into." Every day, gripped with terror and anxiety, Leslie takes the two-floor escalator from the Metro Station to the Street, and back again in the evening. She holds the black handle tightly and stares at the back of whoever is in front of her. "I try not to look at my feet or where we're going or coming from," said Leslie. "Sometimes I shut my eyes tight and hum a little song until I feel the steps even out at the top or bottom. Then I know it's safe." "I try to ignore those people who try and pass you--that's just dangerous. One day the escalator will stop and not only will they be stuck with the rest of us, but they'll be stuck between two steps. They won't be looking so smart then." Experts suggest that people develop an escalator escape plan and practice it. "People should try every now and then to walk up the stairs," said Ewan Grant, head of the Metro's maintenance department. "Sure, the risers on the escalators are about two inches higher than the cement stairs, but with a little practice most people should be able to overcome that slight difference." Dr. Tse Ling-Phan, a specialist in unusual phobias at Open University College believes the roots of Leslie's ailment lie in the crumbling of societal mores. "It's another example of the spread of nihilism, as despair grips an ever-increasing percentage of the population," said Dr. Phan. "Caught like a goat on a bridge about to swept away by the spring run-off, modern humanity stands, without, as Heidegger would say, understanding that this bridge is an artificial construction. The angst and weltechaung permeates the core of our culture and percolates in unfortunate cases like this young Fraulein Erickson." "I just
hope I'm near someone with a cell phone," said Leslie. "At least
I could let my parents know that I love them."
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