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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Not too long ago, the data stream was barely a burbling creek, and managers would lap up every last drop. Today the stream is no longer burbling, or even gentle. With gigabytes and terabytes of data overloading the levees and dams, managers find themselves swamped and drowning in wave after wave of information that can not be discarded--just in case it might be critical. Instead, poorly constructed dams and retaining walls are being hastily cobbled together to hold in as much of the overflow as possible, leading to chaotic, muddy and messy data systems. Enter the Data Farmers. A new breed of Information Technologists has been developing over the last few years who understand the seemingly mystical and magical world of data management. These are people who can organize, cultivate and store data that can be then used in lean months where traditionally the Information Managers would slowly starve. These are the Data Farmers. Dr. Sumer Agricole typifies the new breed. Originally from the East, he is skilled in the signs of nature: when it will be Spring, or Fall, and when data will rain from on high, or just trickle in through the regular data streams. Dr. Agricole spends his evenings at corporate observatories watching the night skies. By careful studying the movements of the stars and planets he is able to predict the seasons, and with that when it is time to plant new data, or harvest the information already ripening on heavy heads in the fields. But gathering and cultivating data is no longer enough. A recent Information Confidence Survey found that data flooding has increased the number of missed business opportunities and cut companies competitive position. Information Managers have less time to get products made and marketed, their profits are lower and their decisions poorer. Worse, there is an erosion of employee morale as high data flows sweep away the sands of stability that keep employees anchored in place. "Managers have to learn the secrets of proper irrigation," said Dr. Agricole. "Instead of relying on the spring run-off and annual floods, which are also very destructive, they must create proper channels that allow the information flow to be controlled." Data Farmers have a new weapon in the war against chaos--the data silo. The data silo stores data in a new conceptual device, where it will keep mountains of data fresh and easily accessible for months on end. The data silo is also useful as a means of controlling vermin who might want to steal it. "The data silo will remake the Information Technologist," predicts Dr. Agricole. "Managers will now be able to digest and process all this data into a workable strategy. They will finally be able to understand what they are wading through." Dr. Agricole's
message is straightforward: watching the signs from heaven, obeying the
forces of nature and utilizing new conceptual tools will help cultivate
fresh data for digesting.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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by Burt Umbre
