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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR RELIGIOUS HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
HELL-- Religion has been giving Hell a bad reputation for at least the past few hundred years. Most of the blame comes from preachers and other "holy types" who have lead several generations to believe that Hell is a bad place to be, or to go to. The Devil, hoping to improve the image of Hell, has contracted a marketing agency to devise a fresh and exciting public relations plan to market the underworld to a whole new generation of potential clients.
Skip Carlson, of Belial, Ashtaroth, Gaap Public Relations, is the new marketing coordinator for Hell. Working closely with the Devil himself, Skip believes Hell has been undersold in the past. "Hell is hot," said an excited Skip. "It's hotter than Madonna, it's hotter than Pooh DVD sales, and it's just going to keep getting hotter." "That said, in the past there's been a little too much emphasis on the whole fear and torture thing," said Skip. "It was a great idea then, but it needs a little freshening up. I've come up with some promising leads, starting with an exciting new concept in 'Eternal Solutions'." Skip expounded on damnation's new spin. "We're going to start with several direct-mail pieces asking carefully screened recipients where they'd like to reallocate their soul," said Skip. "The artwork is fresh, it's exciting, hell, I want to go there myself. Tied in with this is a concurrent advertising campaign targeted at the IT pros and stockbrokers. We've got such hot ideas, we're thinking Hell may need to open up a couple new layers" Skip has also organized several focus groups to develop ideas along the theme of "what would you sell your soul for?" "One of the things we realized was that we needed to update the services we sell for souls," said Skip. "Musical ability, wealth, and power are still powerful draws, but we also want to go for a younger more credulous crowd with--are you ready for this?--the ability to beat Donkey Kong or other popular video and computer games. Finally anyone can reach the end of Ghosts and Goblins or become a real pro at Warcraft III without spending a million hours learning all the tricks." "We've found Microsoft users are particularly good targets as well," continued Skip. "There's something inherently frustrating about Microsoft products that encourages people to sell their souls for trouble-free operating systems or special commands to make their Powerpoint project look real good." Belial, Ashtaroth, Gaap Public Relations was contracted to reverse a downward trend in the ratings. Satanism has been losing popularity after particularly strong growth in the 1970s. "It was so much easier back then," said one lesser demon. "You just can't play a CD backwards now unless you go through all sorts of hoops to digitize it, and then flop the WAV file. Who has the time for that?" "I think it might be those Christian bumper stickers that did it," claimed another devil. "You know, the 'I Brake for God' ones. And it's hard going head-to-head with those preachy Heaven and everlasting-life campaigns that the competition is always promoting on cable." The Devil himself blames a much more critical and distanced consumer. "Paradoxically, we tend to do best when there's a lot of religiosity about," said the Anti-Christ. "Now, no one really gives a flying hoot about their soul, or saving themselves, or any of that sort of thing. It's all about secularism and ironical distance now. We have to change that attitude and I think we're making important steps in that direction." Skip is confident
his campaign will promote the hell out of Hell. "Stick a trident
in me, because I am done, baby," he exclaimed.
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