Do You Like My Driveway?

IN THE DRIVEWAY-- Hey neighbour. I couldn't help noticing that you were admiring my driveway. Yes, there's nothing quite like a surface covered in the rich nylon texture of Astro-Turf. It's that little touch of green that lets me know I'm home from the hustle and bustle of the city.

Here's my new Astro-Turf driveway. Beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it really does stand out, doesn't it. I like it because it's more natural than asphalt, and if I may, I believe it's easier to maintain. Washing is easy. Asphalt tends to split, and the edges crumble away like day-old coffee cake. I know I certainly don't want to spend my days off pouring hot tar into those nasty cracks that spider throughout an asphalt driveway like ebony varicose veins.

I notice you have a few cracks in your driveway. When did you have it done? Two years ago? It's a shame isn't it. That stuff really stinks for weeks--and you just know it's going straight into your brain and causing some kind of tumour.

No, I don't like concrete either. It only takes one seedling forcing its way through to start lifting and breaking your driveway like peanut brittle. Go with nature, I say, and don't try to fight it.

That's why I like this more natural lawn look, without the fuss and maintenance a real lawn would require. The green texture gives my entire driveway a more earthy look, and it doesn't divot up like it would if it were made of grass.

I can see what you're saying, and it's true, a real grass driveway would be even more natural. But that's not what I'm going for here. I want it to look natural, but without the hassle. You'll have to admit that a grass driveway just doesn't make sense. You're going to develop tire grooves, you'll need to re-seed, and of course all that extra mowing. And then there's weeding, trimming, and watering. That's far too much maintenance for a piece of land that's going to have a Toyota parked on top of it most of the time. Plus, with the car on top, there won't be enough sunlight for the grass to grow this bright green anyway! No, I think I've made the right choice.

With astro-turf, there is little or no maintenance, and it even gives me a little extra traction, especially when it freezes. And you know: if it's good enough for professional athletes to trample on, it's certainly good enough for my Goodrichs.

Oh sure, I could've gone gravel, but really, the only thing I like on the rocks is gin. The noise is awful, don't you think? And why provide all that ammunition to those kids across the street?

Hey, when you're done looking at the drive, come around back and check out the fur-lined swimming pool. It's faux of course.

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