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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Although it's difficult, it's not impossible, as all the different versions of Linux that are out there show. Here's a dandy little project that will keep you occupied over the Christmas holidays: building the next generation of Apple computers. That's right--we're going to second-guess the folks at Cupertino, California, and create, using materials easily found in any well-equipped garage and kitchen, a first-class computer that will be the envy of all your Windows-using friends. This project will be a little different than our other projects in that first we have to conceptualize what we want to achieve. Remember that "design" and "coolness" are a big part of what the Apple experience is all about. This can be difficult for most of us tech-heads to comprehend, so let's look at design trends and extrapolate from that. Some of you may remember when Macs were the same putty-beige plastic and metal as other computers. With the arrival of the IMacs and G3 towers they moved into the translucent bullet-proof plastics with brightly flavoured, I mean coloured, monitors. Lately there's a trend towards more conservative greys and whites, but still with the groovy clear stuff all over. So what's next? I'm guessing a retro look at wood. I also happen to have a few nice planks of fir in the shop so that's convenient. Why wood, you ask? Why not formica or tile? I think wood just looks friendlier, and Apple is nothing if not friendly.
Next, let's get rid of the monitor. They've been slimming down for a few years now, but still take up valuable real estate on the desk. Instead let's use cybernetic implants at the base of the skull that transmit stereo images directly to the retinas as a kind of heads-up display. We'll use a modified 'Airport' wireless mechanism to transmit the alpha waves. If were to actually market our computer we'd have to factor surgery costs into the price of the machine--but we'd save on not including the screen. Let's take a quantum step forward and put the plugs at the front of the machine where we can see them. Now that's thinking different! We'll finish off by installing a mega-terra-flippity-flop processor with a double-cam injector, and thus bypass the solenoid dilemma of computer design. Don't forget lots of hydraulic jujaws and a really big heat sink and we're all set to move on to designing the operating system, code-named Austrolipethicus.
DISCLAIMER: Kent's column is intended for amusement purposes only.
Never play with fireworks indoors, never practice home dentistry with
power tools, and never tell your friends you bought a Macintosh computer
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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Kent
Fukuzura, Making Science Simple
Now
so far we've just been discussing the casing. Normally this would be the
last thing we would discuss--if ever--but since we're designing the next
generation of Apple computers we have to remember the whole experience,
and that includes what the computer looks like.
