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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR IKEA CONSUMER HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
THE BALL ROOM-- Ted Granger has found an innovative way to keep childcare costs down and still remain close to his son. Ted, who is a single parent, works in a colonial-style wooden furniture manufacturer in the building next to Ikea, the Swedish super retailer of modern Scandinavian home furnishings. Ted conveniently drops his seven-year old son Collin off at the ball room at Ikea in the morning and picks him at the end of his work day.
"It works out perfectly," said Ted. "I get to see Collin every day at lunch but I don't have to worry about being late. I'll usually pack him a lunch, but if not, I give him enough money to order some swill from the Swedish restaurant next to the play area." Ted isn't the only one benefiting from the ball room, a play area which was designed to keep children occupied while their parents shopped at Ikea. There are close to one hundred thousand balls in the ball room, enough to fill an average-sized swimming pool, or an average-sized pool that was meant to hold coloured plastic balls. "I believe that the Swedish have no choice but to watch over the children," said Andrew Paxton, who leaves Carol (9) and Brittany (8) behind every morning, while he goes off to work at the Shell gas station on the corner of Swedish Way. "It's part of their socialist belief system. You can spank me with a pine bough if I'm wrong, but I think it's written in their constitution." Andrew has never bought anything from the Swedish put-it-together-yourself-so-you'll-save-money business. "I once considered getting an entertainment centre, the Fargen-something, but I found a construction site with a pile of cinder blocks, so I got some plywood and made my own. It looks the same and it only cost me $4.65. Plus I didn't have to use a hex key to put it together." And Andrew doesn't feel guilty about taking advantage of Ikea's facilities. "I still have to go through the entire store and look at all their displays every time I drop the girls off, or pick them up," said Andrew. "Once you're inside, you're forced to walk through that labyrinth of kitchenwares, bedding and home offices. I think that's a fair trade-off. And who knows, maybe one day I will buy an Upyurs chair or an unfinished solid pine coffee table." "I sincerely
believe that the word 'Ikea' is Scandinavian for 'daycare'," said
Andrew.
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