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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Hello, my name is Frank Herschel. Between 1971 and 1978 I was ranked by several independent agencies as "Top Evil Villain," known to the cowering world as Captain Electro. During my time at the top I've had to occassionally ask for help, and also to help that help find new careers when we were no longer "on the same page." If it wasn't for that accident with the Particle Transmission Device the United World Council would still be in my clutches, but I've learned a lesson or two from that. Now that I've retired I am willing to give you a few tips and tricks to help you manage your "temporary" personnel. Ideally, you won't have to deal with backstabbling your minions. If you're like me you'll have forced them live in a a small cage and lick their thin gruel off the floor, all the while constantly bowing and calling you master. However, there are situations where you may have to form an alliance and then outwit your partner. The Mobster needed help building a Xenotrophic Cesium Ray and enlisted the help of The Radioactive Chameleon. The Chameleon, for his part saw an opportunity to escape from his underground prison and use the Xenotrophic Cesium Ray to destroy Megalopolis City for his own nefarious ends. Both sides didn't trust each other, but The Mobster had the advantage of a few extra grey cells in the cranium. He convinced the Radioactive Chameleon that the Trophic Crystals, the final essential ingrediant for the Xenotrophic Cesium Ray, could only be found on the other side of the trans-dimensional portal in Dimension V. He, The Mobster, would go himself, but being only human he would succumb to the deadly plutonic radiation before he could come back. The Radioactive Chameleon, lulled by this admission of feebleness, said he would go himself. After all, he was already radioactive and plutonium radiation would only increase his strength. Once through the portal the Mobster pulled the pin with a wicked laugh, closing the portal to Dimension V forever. He already had the Trophic Crystals, of course, and just needed to plug them in to blackmail Megalopolis City for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Another good trick is to send your accomplice on a "vital" mission to Nexus III or Plevanitos IV to subdue the restless spice miners or whatever other sad excuse you can think of. This is a win/win situation, because if he fails you've gotten rid of him, and if he succeeds--more power to you! Just make sure you take the credit for the successes and blame your accomplice for the failures. It's also a good trick to make your all-to-powerful friend in charge of destroying those pesky doers of good. There's no riskier job in being evil than outwitting and destroying the caped crusaders and defenders of liberty and truth. When you sense that the Iron Zipper is on your trail or that Ultraboy knows what you're up to, send your "partner"--don't forget to call him "partner" when sending him to his certain doom--to destroy the insignificant irritant. Pump up his ego. Inflate it so he can no longer see his shiny black riding boots and will make a mistake that will eliminate him from the Master Plan. He's got a big ego, that's what makes him dangerous to you. While your partner is busy being captured by a superhero, you can use the time to get away--if need be. After all,
there's only room for one at the top--and it's got to be you!
Captain Electro's Evil Archive
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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Step By Step Guide With Former Evil Genius Captain Electro
